Lord of the Taters
by The Hobbit Lass
Summary: A hilarious parody in which Frodo must destroy an evil potato with the aid of his trusty plastic butterknife and magical undergarments, Arwen and Glorfindel fight over Frodo, Merry talks to apples, and more insanity!
1. Concerning Taters

Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings or taters or any of that nonsense.

This is just the first chapter; further chapters will be much funnier than this.

Chapter One: Concerning Taters

Long, long ago, there was a powerful ruler called Farmer Sauron. Farmer Sauron resided in a giant garden he had built, called Mulchdor. He spent several years quietly farming in Mulchdor, until he become involved in the forces of evil.

Milkor, the powerful, evil milkman, paid a visit to Mulchdor one day. He was so fascinated by Farmer Sauron's superb gardening skills that he decided that garden crops could be used to enslave the free peoples of Center-of-Some-Planet.

Farmer Sauron simply laughed at Milkor's silly ideas and went on with his farming.

But Milkor was insistent. He made Farmer Sauron his apprentice, and taught him all the ways of evil. Soon, Farmer Sauron was corrupted, and went from a being a humble farmer to an evil Dark Farmer.

He soon began to further develop his giant garden of Mulchdor, and filled it with all sorts of terrifying plants and vegetation, until everyone desperately feared it.

"Well done, my young padawan learner- er, I mean, my worthy apprentice," Milkor said, clapping Farmer Sauron happily on the back.

But Farmer Sauron had become so evil, and so power hungry that he no longer wished to be an apprentice. So he tied up Milkor and fed him to his giant venus-flytrap.

Feeling extremely victorious, Farmer Sauron decided that he would take over Center-of-Some-Planet, and exercise complete control over everyone.

But how could he do such a thing? Farmer Sauron paced around his Silo of Doom and thought furiously.

"Aha!" he said. "I shall create a powerful object that all shall bow down to!"

And so Farmer Sauron planted an Evil Seed, and worked and worked in the Soil of Domination. At last, he harvested the fruit of his labors and held it victoriously in the air. "I have grown the One Tater to rule them all!" He then took his potato and held it above the fires of Mount Explodey, boiling all of the goodness out of it. When he was sure that every bit of good had been boiled out of his potato, he held it aloft for all to see.

"What in the world is that diabolical spud that he has?" gasped Gil-galad.

"It looks like an all-powerful potato to me," Elendil replied.

All of the free peoples of Center-of-Some-Planet were enslaved by the One Tater. All of them except a group of Elves and Men who were allergic to potatoes, and therefore had not fallen under its spell. Elendil and Gil-galad marched their armies into Mulchdor, where they fought Farmer Sauron's army of Sporks below Mount Explodey.

"How dare you defy the powers of the Tater!" cried Farmer Sauron. He stroked his One Tater affectionately. "My Tater shall rule the universe!"

"Never!" screamed the Elves and Men defiantly. They believed that the power over a world should not come from something as ridiculous as a potato.

"Then die!" yelled Farmer Sauron. He picked up his giant shovel and whacked at the Elves and Men with it.

"I think we're losing!" cried Elrond hysterically.

"I'll fix that!" declared Elendil. He marched up to Farmer Sauron and attempted to slice him apart. His sword, however, bounced harmlessly off of the Dark Farmer's metal overalls.

"Mwahaha!" cackled Farmer Sauron. He gave Elendil a good solid whack on the head with his shovel, and Elendil crumpled lifeless to the ground.

Isildur gasped. "Nobody whacks my daddy with a shovel and gets away with it!" He charged at Farmer Sauron and chopped off the hand that held the One Tater.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Farmer Sauron. Unlike most people, Farmer Sauron's heart was contained in his right hand, instead of in his ribcage. Due to the loss of his heart, he then blew up and pieces of his metal overalls rained down on some peasants that were innocently bystanding.

"Ow!" screamed the peasants.

"That's the penalty for bystanding!" said Elrond, shaking his fist at the peasants.

Isildur dug through the charred remains of the Dark Farmer and picked up the One Tater. A stupid grin came over his face and he stuffed the Tater in his pocket.

Farmer Sauron's army of Sporks became frightened and ran away, and the army of Elves and Men went home victorious.

The Tater however, was still evil, and it didn't like Isildur at all.

One day, Isildur and a group of other unimportant people were riding to the International Cheese Convention, so they could get in touch with their fellow cheese lovers from all over the world. On the way there, they were ambushed by Sporks.

Isildur, becoming frantic, licked his Tater. Its delicious flavor comforted him slightly. However, as soon as his tongue made contact with the Tater, he became invisible.

At that moment, a Spork accidentally landed on him and knocked him into the river, and the Tater fell out of his hand and fell to the bottom of the water. The invisibility spell soon wore off, and Isildur did not have the Tater to regenerate it.

"Hey, there's a guy in the river!" grunted a Spork. He took out his trusty slingshot and killed Isildur. After a time, all that remained of Isildur was a bunch of bloody clothing. Some hobo later came along and grabbed the clothes.

The Tater lay at the bottom of the river for many many years, becoming soggy and old, and even more evil. The Tater began to lose hope of ever being found, until two Stewers came along. Stewers were similar to Magical Hobs, and they lived in giant stew pots.

"I've got one! I've got a fish, Smeag!" cried Deagol.

The Tater was then very happy, because it found a new owner. It was obtained by Smeagol the Stewer, who became the creature Thingum.

"My tateeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrr..." Thingum hissed.

Thingum settled in the mountains, where he and the Tater became roommates. After living with Thingum for many many years, the Tater decided that Thingum was a lousy roommate who never kept their place clean, and so it ran away.

It was then found by a Magical Hob. Bilbo Baggins, of the Pretty Green Secluded Area.

"A tater!" cried Bilbo. He stroked the Tater affectionately and placed it carefully in his shirt pocket. "I've always wanted a tater!"

Bilbo and his Tater fought side-by-side in several adventures together, and the Tater was happy. But evil still lurked within it, and even the cheerfulness of Magical Hobs could not banish that evil...


	2. Magical Hobs, Party Plans, and Eggs

Chapter Two: Magical Hobs, Party Plans, and Eggs

Bilbo Baggins, the Magical Hob, was about to have his one hundred and eleventh birthday. He was inviting everyone in the Pretty Green Secluded Area, and it was to be the biggest, wildest party that any of them had ever seen.

All of the other Magical Hobs thought that Bilbo was extremely weird and un-Hobish. He had disappeared sixty years ago to be Thorin and Company's personal cheese finder, and when he returned, he brought a huge horde of treasure, expired grocery store coupons, and elf maiden slaves that he hid under his Hob Hillock. At least, that's what the Magical Hobs thought.

Bilbo always denied it, insisting that the only thing he had brought back was a box of free cheese and an elderly potato.

"Free cheese!" sputtered the Gaffer in disgust. "And in boxes? What is the world coming to!"

"Free cheese!" exclaimed Sam Gamgee, with a bright-eyed expression. "I would so love to see free cheese in a box!"

"Be quiet, foolish son of mine!" said the Gaffer. "Free boxed cheese is not for sensible folk like us! Now run along and plant the cabbages and water the taters!"

"But I already did!" protested Sam.

"Well, um... go plant the cabbages and water the taters again!"

"Alright, alright."

Bilbo lived all alone by his lonesome self for many years, not having many friends. There was Gandalf, of course. And his box of cheese that he kept locked up and nobody else was allowed to see. And there was young Frodo Baggins.

Frodo always liked to be around Bilbo, as Bilbo told very interesting stories about the dwarves and the elves. He told tales about what it smelled like when surrounded by thirteen dwarves who never bathed, and these sometimes gave young Frodo nightmares.

And then there were the tales about the elves, and their Magical Shampoo that can tame any hair and make it delightfully shiny. These stories made young Frodo happy, and he wished that he could frolic about with the elves and have perfect, shiny, long elf princess hair.

Poor young Frodo was an orphan, as his parents had died in some sort of crazy accident that involved turnips, water activities, and an oversized carrot.

The rumor was that Drogo and Primula Baggins were going shopping in the market. A farmer was selling an oversized carrot, and as he waved it in the air for all to see, he accidentally let go of it. The carrot sailed through the air and hit Drogo in the fingernail of his left thumb, causing him to die a horrible painful death.

Primula was so distraught that she ran around in circles yelling hysterically. As she ran, she tripped and fell and landed on the ground. Odo Proudfoot was so startled that he fell over right on top of Primula, and tragically, his overweight body crushed her to death.

But that wasn't the end of the misfortunes. That very same day, a farmer had placed his prized turnips in a boat so he could ship them to the other end of the Pretty Green Secluded Area. He left the boat for just a moment, and that was when disaster struck.

The boat suddenly capsized, and those poor turnips all drowned. They were sorely missed by many Magical Hobs, and a touching funeral was held in their memory.

After the death of his parents, young Frodo was sent to live in the Land of Male Deer that Are Exposed to Brandy. It was a strange part of the Pretty Green Secluded Area, and there were quite a few drunken deer running around.

Frodo lived with his mother's people, the Brandybucks, and all of the Magical Hobs thought they were definitely very odd and un-Hobish.

They were considered rather demonic, because they swam, boated, went in the forest, used both shampoo and conditioner, and had second breakfast before first breakfast.

Bilbo felt that Frodo should not be corrupted by this, and so he adopted young Frodo. Young Frodo was very happy. But then, nearly everything made young Frodo happy.

Years passed, and Bilbo and Frodo lived happily together. It was now time for Bilbo's one hundred and eleventh birthday, and Frodo's thirty-third birthday.

Gandalf decided that he would visit the Pretty Green Secluded Area, so that he could wish Bilbo a happy birthday, and try to get back his favorite left shoe that Bilbo had stolen. All Gandalf had left now were two right shoes, and it was very uncomfortable to wear two right shoes.

And so the old wizard drove through the Pretty Green Secluded Area on his broken-down, rickety old wagon. Every once in a while he would run over a bump in the road, and a small splinter of the wagon would fall off. He'd gotten it extremely cheap at a dwarven flea market.

Frodo happened to be outside that morning, and when he spotted Gandalf, he ran right into the middle of the road, waving his arms excitedly.

This turned out to be a not so very good idea, because Frodo nearly ended up getting bowled over by the wagon. Gandalf stopped it just in time, and Frodo continued his excited waving. The Magical Hob was obviously unfazed by his near-fatal experience.

"Hey, Frodo," wheezed Gandalf.

"Gandalf, what are you doing here in Magical Hob territory!" Frodo demanded.

"I've come to smoke up all your Old Toby and drink all your Old Winyards!" Gandalf said, wheezing and cackling at the same time. Wheezing and cackling do not mix.

"Stupid old man," muttered Frodo, pounding Gandalf on the back.

Once Gandalf regained his breath, he said, "Hop into my wagon!"

"Okay!" cried Frodo. He gave an excited leap into the wagon, causing a large piece of wood to fall off and land in the road. "Um...I can fix that."

"That's quite all right!" said Gandalf. "That happens all the time! It's what you get when you buy cheap dwarf products."

Gandalf started up the wagon again and the two of them rode on, Frodo struggling as hard as he could not to fall out of the jolting vehicle.

Suddenly a gaggle of annoying little kiddies came shrieking down the road.

"What are those awful creatures!" cried Gandalf, plugging his ears from the terrible screeches.

"Those," said Frodo with a shudder, "are _Hob children_! Believe it or not, I was actually one of those awful monsters at one time!"

"No!" gasped Gandalf.

The annoying Hob kiddies continued to shriek and scream in their meaningless chatter, pointing rudely at Gandalf and his cargo.

Suddenly, there came a giant BOOM from the wagon, and all the Hob kiddies lay on the road unconscious.

"Wow, that was an impressive fart, Gandalf!" Frodo exclaimed.

"That's the result of eating chili every day for three life ages," Gandalf responded.

"Wow."

"Okay, well I've got to go yell at your stupid uncle/cousin/old man that lives with you!" wheezed Gandalf. "So get out of here!" He gave Frodo a kick in the buttocks and Frodo flew out of the wagon and rolled down a giant hill.

"Eep!" cried Frodo.

"SAM TO THE RESCUE!" screamed Sam, who was wearing bright green underwear on the outside of his clothes. As Frodo was rolling down the hill, Sam heroically caught him and set him down.

"Sam, I could have saved myself!" Frodo informed him in frustration.

Sam sighed. "I guess I'm not cut to be a super hero. I'd rather see the Elves!" he became misty-eyed at the thought of Elves.

"Son, quit daydreaming about those silly creatures!" yelled the Gaffer. "You should be thinking of carrots and taters instead!"

Sam sighed. "Okay."

Gandalf soon arrived at Bilbo's Hob Hillock and scratched on the door with his staff.

Bilbo opened up the door. "Eek!" He suddenly fell over in a faint.

"Holy cricket!" Gandalf exclaimed. "Bilbo's fainted!" He quickly grabbed a bottle of Old Winyards from 1296 (very good year) and splashed it on Bilbo's face.

The Magical Hob soon revived, looked at the wizard bending over him and cried, "Gandalf! What a surprise! What do you want?"

"Let me in!" ordered Gandalf.

"Fine, fine," said Bilbo. He surveyed the front of his Hob Hillock. "Hey, have you been making those stupid ridiculous scratches on my door again!"

"They're not stupid scratches! It's art!" Gandalf protested.

"Whatever you say." Bilbo then walked off into the kitchen for a moment to satisfy a sudden pang of hunger that had come over him unexpectedly.

Gandalf walked inside, and banged his head on the chandelier, breaking it into several pieces. "Um... oops," He quickly grabbed the broken pieces and shoved them into a cupboard.

Bilbo walked back into the room. "Now I am going to run around the house while babbling and eating eggs," he said, doing so.

"No fair, I want some eggs!" Gandalf whined.

"Fine, you can have some. And you can run around the house babbling too!"

"Okay!"

Gandalf and Bilbo were about to enjoy the delicious goodness of eggs, when suddenly the irritating voice of Lobelia Sackville-Baggins screeched, "Fee, fie, foe, fum, I SMELL EGGS!"

"Oh no!" cried Bilbo. "It's Lobelia Sackville-Baggins!"

"What's so bad about that?"

"She's been after my prized eggs for years!"

Gandalf and Bilbo waited in silence for Lobelia to disappear. They finally heard her footsteps die away, and Bilbo went into the kitchen. Gandalf followed him, and knocked into a table, causing several expensive glass things fell off and break.

"GANDALF, YOU KLUTZ!" screamed Bilbo. "You break it, you buy it!"

"Sorry," muttered Gandalf.

"No you're not."

"Well let's go onto the subject of that tater of yours," Gandalf suggested.

"I'd rather not talk about it!"

"You must!" Gandalf bellowed. "Do it or I'll turn blue and scary! Or green and scary, if you prefer the Galadriel look."

"I've got a better idea! Let's sit here and smoke all day!" Bilbo proposed.

Gandalf thought for a moment. "Sounds like a good plan to me!" He took out his prized pipe and took a seat by the fire. Bilbo brought his pipe and a five hundred pound sack of Old Toby and joined him.

"Gandalf, my old friend," Bilbo said, "this will be a night to remember. The only drawback is I'll probably be too drunk to remember it."


	3. The Power of the Tater

Chapter Three: The Power of the Tater

Night had fallen, and the birthday party for Frodo and Bilbo had begun. Many drunken Magical Hobs danced stupidly in a circle and Bilbo stood around chatting to the Hobs that were at least semi-sober.

First, there was to be dancing, and then presents, and then last, and most definitely least, would come Bilbo's speech. The mere thought of this speech put many Magical Hobs into severe states of terror.

"Hey Sam, go ask Odo Proudfoot for a dance!" Frodo said, grinning wickedly.

"_Odo Proudfoot!_" Sam squeaked. He glanced over at Odo, who was dancing all by himself and appeared to be causing a minor earthquake. Frodo nodded.

"Begging your pardon, Mr. Frodo, but why don't _you_ go and dance with him?" Sam retorted.

Frodo suddenly looked uncomfortable and dashed away.

Rosie Cotton, meanwhile, was happily dancing with a creepy Tater Wraith, who had snuck himself into the party. Tater Wraiths, no matter evil they were, just couldn't resist parties.

"Oh, Wraith, I like you so much more than that fat Sam!" said Rosie.

"Me evil," said the Tater Wraith stupidly.

"Huh?" said Rosie.

"Me evil," the Wraith repeated, in a droning voice. He then ran away and disappeared.

"COME BACK!" cried Rosie. "I LOVE YOU!"

"You do!" said Sam.

"Not you!" said Rosie. She shoved Sam and skipped away to steal some cake.

Sam burst into tears. "What if Rosie continues to shun me! Then I'll be forced to go after... Mr. Frodo! EEW!"

After the dancing was over and done with, and the passed-out Hobs were dragged away, it was present time. Bilbo gave out some presents, and then Frodo gave out some presents, and then Gandalf gave out some presents, and then the Gaffer gave out some presents, and then Will Whitfoot gave out some presents, and then Fredegar Bolger gave out some presents, and then Ted Sandyman gave out some presents, and then Gimli's long-lost evil twin gave out some presents, and soon everybody was giving presents to each other.

"Wow, this giving out presents to everyone custom is really kind of annoying," Bilbo commented.

"Quit your whining and get out of my way. I'm setting off fireworks here," Gandalf said. He then set off some fireworks, which zapped some annoying Hob kiddies. "Hahaha!"

Meanwhile Merry was randomly standing around bored. "I'm bored," Merry said randomly.

"I'm Sam!" Sam announced.

"I have an apple! Where did it come from? I will name it Bob, and it will be my friend!" Merry said, pointing at Bob the apple.

Frodo looked disturbed. "I didn't know Merry was back from that "special" place that he was sent off to for several months!"

Pippin then wandered out of nowhere and said, "I had too much pipe-weed and now I feel like doing something really stupid!"

"Okay!" Merry said. "Bob says we should steal a firework!"

"Who's Bob!" Pippin asked.

"I don't know."

Pippin then grabbed a firework and screamed, "I AM A PYRO! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" He then blew up the firework simply because explosions excite him.

The Magical Hobs all shrieked with fear, except the drunken ones, who laughed and clapped until they fell off their seats.

After that ordeal was taken care of, Bilbo decided that it was time to bring upon the dreaded moment. He walked over to the refreshments and stood on top of a barrel. "Time for-" he began, but suddenly the barrel broke and he fell to the ground. "Ow!"

The Magical Hobs all pointed and laughed. Bilbo swore and got on top of a tree stump. "Here it is! The moment you've all been waiting for! My speech!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" everybody screamed. "Quick, where are the earplugs!"

"I've got some!" said Frodo. Various Magical Hobs dogpiled him and grabbed all the earplugs they could get their hands on. "Sheesh, you could have just asked," muttered a slightly battered Frodo.

Bilbo gazed fixedly at them all, opened his mouth (causing several Hobs to cringe with fear), and began to drone on and on. And on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on...

Two hundred and fifteen "and on"s later:

Bilbo paused for breath. Several Magical Hobs, thinking that he was finished at last, leaped off their seats and hurried away. But oh no, Bilbo was not done.

He stared at his audience (in which nearly everyone was asleep), and took a deep breath. "I've bored you all long enough. I'm going now, and may the Force be with you!" He took a rather elderly looking tater out of his pocket, and took a bite out of it. The next second, he and the tater were gone.

Most of the Magical Hobs continued to snore. The ones who were actually awake were either too drunk or too bored to even realize what had just happened.

Meanwhile, back at his Hob Hillock, Bilbo reappeared and glanced at his tater. The spot where he had taken a bite had now been filled back in, as if he had never bitten the tater at all. Ah, the power of magic. "Those Magical Hobs are such suckers."

"Yes, they are, aren't they?" said Gandalf's voice.

"GASP!" gasped Bilbo. He stared at Gandalf and started sputtering uncontrollably.

"Get a hold of yourself, Bilbo!"

"Sorry."

"The tater must stay behind!" Gandalf ordered.

"But I'll never be able to fall asleep without it!" Bilbo protested. "That tater is just like a teddy bear to me!"

"You can get plenty of teddy bears in Rivendell," Gandalf assured him. "All you have to do is sneak into Elrond's room and open the second drawer in his dresser. And now Elrond's going to kill me for telling you that."

Bilbo tried hard not to laugh at the thought of Lord Elrond collecting teddy bears. He then walked over to the other end of the room to pack his traveling bag.

As Bilbo's back was turned, Gandalf started rummaging through some drawers and shoved random valuables into the pockets of his robes.

"Gandalf, what are you doing?" Bilbo asked, his back still turned.

"Uh, NOTHING!" said Gandalf hastily.

"Oh good! Then I'm outta here!" Bilbo said. He turned around and walked out the door.

"Bilbo, you've got the tater shoved down your pants!" wheezed Gandalf.

"Oh. I do?"

"Yes," Gandalf said.

"How could you tell!"

"Well, um... there was an interesting shape in your pants, and I knew it wasn't-"

"Alright, alright!" said Bilbo. He reached into his pants, pulled out the tater, and flung it on the floor. "See ya, Gandalf!" He then picked up his traveling bag, stuck his pipe behind his ear, and left forever.

Gandalf picked up the tater and sniffed it. "Dear Iluvitar, how old is this thing!"


	4. One Tater to Rule Them All

Chapter Four: One Tater to Rule Them All

For the next five or ten minutes, Gandalf decided to stare into the fire and mutter to himself like a crazy senile old man.

Frodo suddenly burst into the room, interrupting Gandalf's crazed muttering, and screamed, "BILBO! BILBO!"

"What the heck! I'm Gandalf, not Bilbo!" wheezed Gandalf.

"Oh."

"Bilbo's gone forever and ever and ever and ever and you'll never see him again," Gandalf informed him. "The house is yours, do what you want with it. Blow it up for all I care."

"Okay!"

"Oh, and you also get the bills, and the mortgage, and the insurance, and the income tax, and the housing tax, and the potato tax, and the finances, the pipe-weed tax, and there are a bunch of debts that will have to be paid off," Gandalf added.

Frodo's face fell. "What!"

"Well, that's what happens when you come of age and are on your own, Frodo!" It was at that moment that Gandalf realized Frodo was wearing a flowery vest and he started laughing.

"What are you laughing at!" Frodo asked.

"Um... nothing," Gandalf wheezed. Frodo felt very self-conscious at that moment. "Oh by the way, Frodo, do you see a tater anywhere?"

"A tater? Like this one right here?" Frodo picked something up off of the floor and held it up.

"Yeah, that's the one!" Gandalf said. "The tater is yours now. You must be very careful with it, and you mustn't let it corrupt you!"

"Okay-doke."

"Well, I have to leave now, so I can find out a bunch of stuff about that tater. Bye Frodo!" Gandalf grabbed his staff, got on his horse, and rode to Minas Tirith, the magnificent city in the kingdom of Gone-Door.

When he arrived at the city, various townspeople suddenly dumped buckets of water on him. "What was that for!" Gandalf demanded angrily.

"We don't know," said the townspeople. "The steward told us to dump buckets of water on any wizard that we see come through here."

"Wow, what a warm welcome," Gandalf grumbled. He went up to the citadel, and into the White Tower where Denethor sat in his chair. A couple of people with white coats on hovered anxiously nearby.

"Grr! Go away, you gray fool!" snarled Denethor.

"I need to use your library," Gandalf said.

"No."

"I need to use it!" the wizard begged.

"It is off limits to gray fools," Denethor said, his eyes going strangely cross-eyed.

"You're the one who's a gray fool, you gray fool!"

Denethor gave a furious roar and collapsed in his seat. One of the people in white coats laid a comforting hand on the steward's shoulder. "Too much usage of the phrase "gray fool" distresses him."

"Oh," said Gandalf. "I'll have to keep that in mind." He then went into the library, searched through old deteriorated papers, and spilled wine all over some random valuable document. After seventeen hours, forty-two minutes, and fifty-one and a half seconds, he finally found what he was looking for.

"_How Thranduil Got in Touch With His Feminine Side_. Wait, that's not it." Gandalf turned the paper over and looked at the back. "_My Pretty Tater: A Tale of Friendship and Love Between a Man and His Food_, by Isildur." He tucked the paper into his robes (which was stealing), walked out of the library, and rode out of Minas Tirith.

"YEAH, YOU'D BETTER LEAVE, YOU GREY FOOL!" Denethor screamed.

"He didn't take his medication this morning, did he?" Boromir asked.

"Nope," said Faramir.

Meanwhile, in the Pretty Green Secluded Area, a Tater Wraith was passing by Farmer Maggot's house.

"GET AWAY FROM MY MUSHROOMS!" screamed Farmer Maggot, popping a blood vessel in his extreme rage.

"Me evil," said the Tater Wraith stupidly. "I mean, Pretty Green Secluded Area! Baggins!" he hissed, dropping the stupid act.

"Go away," said Farmer Maggot, who was busily chopping up the door to Sam's Hob Hillock.

"Gimme Frodo!" demanded the Tater Wraith.

"Frodo stole my mushrooms, so I will get revenge on him by telling this scary guy where he lives. He's in Hobton! Right over there!" said Farmer Maggot, pointing. He then went back to chopping up Sam's door.

"Thanks, pal!" said the Tater Wraith.

Meanwhile, in the Green Dragon, many Magical Hobs sat around getting drunk. As the night wore on, more and more Hobs passed out in their seats, until there was only a small group left of conscious, semi-sober Hobs.

"Hey, guess what, everyone!" the Gaffer said. "I planted fifteen cabbages today!"

"Nobody cares about your stupid cabbages, old man!" said Ted Sandyman.

"Well Sam does! Don't you, Sam?"

Sam had his head resting on the table, and was snoring softly.

"Sam?"

The sleeping Hob continued to snore. The Gaffer grabbed his empty mug and beat his son on the back with it. "SAM!"

"Huh!" Sam jerked awake and looked wildly around him. "Where am I? What is the time?"

A random Magical Hob spoke up. "It is ten o'clock at night, on October the-"

The Gaffer threw his mug at the Hob. "Hey, no using Gandalf lines! Wait, why did I say that anyway? I don't even know Gandalf's lines!"

Sam rubbed his aching back. "Why did you wake me?"

"I wanted to ask you if you care about my cabbages!" the Gaffer told him.

"Your cabbages!"

"Yes!"

"Personally, I'd rather see the Elves, begging your pardon!" Sam became rather misty-eyed, and he began to stare off into space.

"Who cares about the stupid Elves?" Ted Sandyman yelled. "Let's discuss walking trees and drunken dragons, and various other stupid topics!"

"Why would we talk about stupid stuff like that?" Sam asked.

Ted Sandyman shrugged. "Because we're bored, semi-sober, and idiotic discussions excite us for some strange reason?"

Frodo suddenly popped up from under the table. "Hello!"

"Mr. Frodo, why were you under our table this whole time?" Sam asked.

Frodo got to his feet and unsteadily sat down in a chair. "Hehehe! I was counting how many pieces of gum were stuck under the table!"

"You really don't have much of a life, do you, Mr. Frodo?"

"Well neither do you, Hamwise Samgee! All you ever do is garden, and grow those stupid veggie tales of yours!" Frodo took a deep drink out his mug and clumsily set it down. "I think I'll go back under the table now!"

Sam grabbed Frodo by the arm. "Um, I think you should go home now, Mr. Frodo."

"Nonsense! I'm perfectly sober!" he then tried to get up out of his chair, knocked it over, and spilled the contents of his mug all over the Gaffer's head.

"Come on, Mr. Frodo, let's go now," said Sam calmly. He dragged Frodo over to the door, but Frodo broke free of his grasp. "I can get myself home, you fat Hob!"

"Fine," said Sam. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go hit on Rosie!"

"I know an idiot when I see one," Rosie commented. "Hey, I see Sam!"

"Waaah!" cried Sam. "People are cruel!" he left the Green Dragon and ran home to his Hob Hillock. "Hey, where'd my door go! My life sure is unfair!"

Frodo then staggered drunkenly home, kicked down the flimsy gate, and walked into his Hob Hillock, being too drunk and stupid to bother closing the door.

"BOO!" screamed a voice.

Frodo screamed, turned around, screamed some more, wet his pants, continued screaming, and ran around in crazed circles.

"Frodo, it's me!" Gandalf yelled.

Frodo stopped in his tracks and quit screaming. "Gandalf! How did you get in my house!"

"It's kind of easy when you constantly leave the door wide open!" he gestured at the open door. "And look! You've gone and done it again!"

Frodo blushed and hastily shut the door. "Um, yeah. It's a bad habit of mine. Now why are you in my house?"

"Where is that tater?" Gandalf demanded.

"In the kitchen, in a barrel along with all the other taters!"

"WHAT!"

Frodo looked confused. "What's wrong?"

Gandalf grabbed Frodo by the shoulders and shook him. "Get that tater immediately!"

Frodo quickly ran into the kitchen and found the barrel full of taters. "Which tater are you talking about?"

Gandalf surveyed the barrel with dismay. "Frodo, you idiot! Now it's probably lost among all of those others taters!" He reached into the barrel and started scooping out all of the taters, until they were all spread out on the floor. "Can you remember which one it was?"

Frodo looked at the objects on the floor and thought for a moment. "Um...I think it was that one!" He pointed at a particularly old and soggy looking tater.

"Well, only one way to find out." Gandalf picked up the tater and threw it in the kettle, which was boiling above the fireplace.

"Ooh, are we having a snack!" Frodo asked. "I love taters!"

"No! I'm conducting an experiment!" Gandalf took the tater out of the kettle and handed it to Frodo, who started jumping around like an excited little girl. "I just love taters!" the Magical Hob cried.

"We are NOT eating the tater, Frodo!"

Frodo looked sad. "Okay."

"Now, pay close attention to that tater. Is there anything different about it?"

"Yeah," Frodo said. "It smells really weird!"

"That is the stench of pure evil," Gandalf explained. "And there is only one tater in the whole entire universe that would give off such a stench! The One Tater to rule them all!"

Frodo shrugged and poured some tea.

"You've got to be the one of the stupidest people I've ever met!" Gandalf said. He began bashing his head against the wall in irritation.


	5. Planning to Leave

Chapter Five: Planning to Leave

"Want some tea, Gandalf?" Frodo asked stupidly, as he was drinking his seventh cup of tea.

Gandalf stopped bashing his head against the wall and said, "This is no time for tea!"

"Yes it is. Look at the clock, it's tea time!"

Gandalf rolled his eyes. "Frodo, we're supposed to be talking about the One Tater." He then went into a brief history about Farmer Sauron and the creation of the tater, up to the point where it fell into the hands of Thingum.

Frodo sat slumped in his chair, snoring every now and then. Gandalf sighed in irritation and rapped Frodo on the head with his staff.

"Eh?" Frodo moaned. He looked at the wizard who sat opposite him. "Gandalf! What a surprise! Have some tea!" He then poured himself a cup of tea, which happened to be his twelfth cup.

"I don't want any tea, you fool!"

"Suit yourself," said Frodo. He gulped down the contents of his cup and poured himself another.

"Frodo, you must leave the Pretty Green Secluded Area."

Frodo set down his cup and burst into tears. "But I love the Pretty Green Secluded Area! It's so pretty! And green! And secluded!"

"You have to leave, or Farmer Sauron will find the tater and he'll take it from you!"

"No! Anything but that!" Frodo hugged his tater tightly.

"You must sell your house, get your sorry little buttocks out of here, go to the village of Beer, and protect that tater with your very life!"

"Okay, I'll leave," Frodo agreed with a sigh.

Suddenly, there was a mysterious noise that sounded like a cross between a constipated bird and somebody choking to death.

"Eep!" cried Frodo. "What was that!" He set down his teacup (which contained his seventeenth cup of tea) and hid under the table.

"I'll catch him!" Gandalf said.

"You can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man!" said the mysterious noise.

Gandalf ran over to the window, pulled up Sam, and performed various cheesy looking wrestling moves on him.

Sam looked terrified out of what little wits he had. "What in the name of cabbages was that all about!"

"Sam!" said Frodo.

"Mr. Frodo!" cried Sam.

"Sam!"

"Mr. Frodo!"

"Sam!"

"Mr. Frodo!"

"Sam!"

"Alright, that's enough!" Gandalf interrupted. He turned to look at Sam. "What were you doing and why are you here?"

"I'm a plot device!" Sam replied cheerfully.

"You're going to have to go with Frodo on his journey. You can carry all of his stuff!"

"Um, okay," said Sam rather reluctantly.

"You might as well start packing, Frodo," Gandalf advised.

"Okay," said Frodo. He opened up a cupboard to get some clothes and gasped, "Bilbo's chandelier! And it's broken! However did it get here!"

Gandalf looked very uneasy and hastily shut the cupboard. "You're hallucinating, you fool! Now I really must be going. I have to go see the head of my order, Skittleman the Many Colored."

"BUT YOU'VE ONLY JUST ARRIVED!" cried Frodo, looking at Gandalf with pathetic, tear-filled eyes.

"Yes, well, I'm leaving," Gandalf said. He took a step, looked down, and saw that Frodo had attached himself to his leg. "FRODO, GET OFF OF ME!"

"Don't leave me, Gandalf!" cried Frodo.

Gandalf shook Frodo off of his leg and got out of there as fast as he could.

"Looks like it's just you and me, Mr. Frodo," said Sam, grinning. Frodo started to edge slowly away from him.

Frodo then continued to live in his Hob Hillock, living his life the way he always had. He knew that he should be leaving soon, but he was simply far too lazy.

"I am simply far too lazy," sighed Frodo, as he looked at the pile of packed bags that had sat waiting by the door for several weeks.

"Laziness is the root of all evil!" shrieked an irritating voice. Lobelia Sackville-Baggins had poked her highly unattractive head in Frodo's window.

"What are you doing here, you hag?" Frodo demanded.

"What's with all those packed bags? Are you going somewhere?"

"Um, yes, actually," Frodo said hesitantly. "I'm moving!"

"Moving? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of! Why would you move?"

"Er, I've developed an allergy to my Hob Hillock and must buy a new one! Now get out of my house!"

"Fine!" Lobelia disappeared and hurried to her own Hob Hillock, where her husband Otho and her son Lotho were looking rather dismayed.

"What's the matter?" Lobelia asked.

"Lotho's broken another mirror again!" Otho complained, gesturing at the broken shards of glass. "That poor mirror just couldn't stand the sight of his hideous face, and so it just broke without warning!"

Lotho blushed with embarrassed, which only made him look even more unsightly.

"Guess what?" Lobelia asked.

"You're finally taking us all in for face-lifts and plastic surgery?" Otho asked hopefully.

"No! Frodo Baggins is selling his Hob Hillock!"

"Oh really?" Otho gave an ugly grin, which caused Lobelia to give an ugly grin, which caused Lotho to give an ugly grin, which caused all of the house plants to wilt and die because they could not stand to be around so much ugliness.

Otho, still grinning hideously, glanced at himself in the glass of the kitchen window. The next moment, he was sprawled dead in his chair.

Lobelia studied his body and shook her head. "He must have seen his reflection."

"Are we still getting a new house?" Lotho asked.

"Of course!" answered Lobelia. "And now that your father's gone, there will be more space for us!"

The very next day, everyone in Hobton knew that Frodo was selling his Hob Hillock to the Sackville-Bagginses, and that he was moving.

"Moving? Now I'm going to be unemployed!" said the Gaffer, with tears in his eyes.

Sam patted his father sympathetically on the back. "It's alright, Gaffer. Now you'll be able to devote one hundred percent quality time to the cabbages and carrots!"

Frodo now had no choice but to finally leave. Sam, Merry, and Pippin had come over to his Hob Hillock to help him out with everything.

"Here, Sam, will you load these onto that wagon?" Frodo said. He picked up several large, heavy bags and shoved them all into Sam's arms.

"Uh..." Sam began, but suddenly became short of breath due to the weight he was carrying.

Merry opened one of the cupboards. "What's with the broken chandelier?"

Frodo went over to take a look. "It really does exist! But Gandalf told me I was hallucinating!" He took the broken chandelier pieces and tossed them out the window. Suddenly, an "Ow!" could be heard from outside.

Frodo went over to the window and saw Sam, who was loading the bags into the wagons, rubbing his aching head. "Sorry, Sam!" he called. Sam moaned in reply.

Frodo surveyed his Hob Hillock. "I think the place is empty!"

"It'd better be!" said an irritating voice. Lobelia Sackville-Baggins had barged right into the house, without even asking.

"Get outta my house!" Frodo snapped.

"But it's my house now!" Lobelia argued. "Along with Bilbo's prized eggs!"

"No, actually, I gave all the eggs to the Gaffer," Frodo informed her.

"Mr. Baggins is such a kindhearted soul!" the Gaffer exclaimed, while carrying a large basket of eggs. He gave the eggs an affectionate smile.

"NOOOOOOOO!" Lobelia screeched. "Without those eggs, I have nothing to live for now!"

"Does that mean you're going to suddenly and conveniently drop dead?" Frodo asked hopefully.

Lobelia laughed. "No way! Besides, I've got this nice Hob Hillock to enjoy my life in!"

Frodo pushed her towards the door. "Well, could you please leave now? We're trying to take care of some last minute things."

"Fine then!" said Lobelia. "But I'll be back! I'll get you, my pretty, and your little house too!" She grabbed her umbrella and stumbled out the door and went outside, where a group of young Hob children laughed and threw sticks at her.

Frodo burst into tears. "My poor Hob Hillock! How will it ever survive!"

* * *

Reviews will be very much appreciated! So push the magical review button! 


	6. Finally Leaving

Chapter Six: Finally Leaving

Frodo realized that he could not put it off any longer. He was going to have to leave his beloved Hob Hillock forever. "Well, come on, you guys," he said sadly.

"And let me guess, I'm the one who's going to be stuck dealing with all the baggage?" Sam asked irritably.

"Wow, however did you guess?" said Frodo. "Well, let's go! Merry! Pippin! Get over here!"

"Wait, shouldn't I go ahead of you guys so I can guard your new house?" Merry asked.

"Why would you need to guard the house?"

Merry shrugged. "To keep all the invisible Oompa Lumpas away!" he gave a deranged laugh.

"Um... okay," said Frodo. "That's an incredibly crazy reason. You really should go separately, so that we don't have to put up with you. But I'm afraid you might hurt yourself if you're alone for too long of a time. You'd better come with us. It's for your own good."

"For my own good? That's exactly what the people at the special place told me!" Merry said.

"Uh... yeah."

"You're not sending me to the special place, are you? The rubber walls were nice, but I don't want to go back!"

"No, we need you here with us," Frodo assured him.

And so the four Magical Hobs left Frodo's Hob Hillock and walked throughout the Pretty Green Secluded Area. After traveling for about thirty seconds, Sam suddenly sat down and started rocking back and forth in fetal position while whimpering to himself.

"Sam, what are you doing?" Frodo demanded.

"I'm scared. I've never been more than ten yards away from home before!"

"You're pathetic," Frodo said.

"Help me, Mr. Frodo!"

"Oh fine." Frodo grabbed Sam by the wrists, and using every ounce of strength that he possessed, dragged the frightened Hob behind him.

"Mr. Frodo, you're chafing my wrists," Sam said after a few minutes. There was a pause. "Mr. Frodo, my bottom just struck a sharp rock." Another pause. "Mr. Frodo, all this dragging is pulling my pants down."

Frodo irritably let go of Sam. "Well then get up and walk!"

"Yes, Mr. Frodo."

The Magical Hobs kept on walking, until they paused at the edge of a ledge. Sam, bringing up the rear, tripped, fell, and knocked everybody over. And having Samwise Gamgee on top of you is not a pleasant thing.

"Why is everyone crushing the life out of me!" complained Pippin, who was on the bottom.

"Sorry," muttered Sam.

Suddenly, Merry started to scream hysterically. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"What!" said the others.

"MY CARROT DIED!" screamed Merry. He then buried the carrot under the ground and stuck a twig in the dirt as a grave marker. "You were such a good carrot who deserved more life! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO!"

Everybody slowly edged away from Merry.

"I'm starting to doubt your sanity, Mr. Merry," said Sam.

"Oh, you should have started doubting long ago!" cackled Merry with an evil grin.

Everybody then got to their feet and continued walking. Suddenly, a weird breeze began to blow, and Frodo thought that the breeze was trying to tell him something. "Oh my gosh! This weird, foreshadowing breeze is telling me to... play hide-and-seek!"

"Mr. Frodo, this isn't the time to play hide-and-seek!" Sam scolded.

Frodo listened to the breeze again. "And it says we should... hide under that tree!" He excitedly skipped off of the road and led them all to a dank and smelly shelter underneath a tree.

The Magical Hobs sat under the tree for what seemed like forever. Suddenly, a Tater Wraith rode by on a giant walking french fry. "Oh, tater! Where are you?" There was silence. "I know you're here! I can smell your stench of evil!"

Merry, being the only totally crazy one there, threw Sam's favorite pair of pants and screamed, "FETCH!"

The Tater Wraith, being gullible and stupid, ran after the pants. "Goody, I love playing fetch!"

Sam started sobbing uncontrollably. "Those were my favorite pair of pants! Merry, how could you! You insensitive jerk!"

Merry, however, was not listening and was busy staring at a rock. It was a fascinating rock.

The four Magical Hobs then got out from under the tree and went back on the road. They walked along for a while longer, but Sam suddenly stopped in his tracks.

"Sam, I thought you got over that "never been so far from home" thing!" Frodo said.

Sam ignored him and continued to stand still. He was misty-eyed and had an enraptured look on his face. Frodo waved a hand in front of his face. "Hello? Earth to Sam!"

The fat hobbit managed to point at something in the distance, and to stutter one word. "_Elves!_"

Frodo shook his head. "Sheesh, Sam, they're only elves."

"Hello!" said the elves. "We are on a journey to the Land of Stuff that Refuses to Die! Your fat friend has some serious issues, and we will now hightail it out of here before he can continue to stare at us ecstatically!" The elves then disappeared from sight.

Sam burst into tears. "Why did they have to go!"

"Because you freaked them out," Merry told him.

"Now I'm going to be in a severe state of depression for the rest of the day!" Sam sobbed.

Well, Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin continued to walk on, like they had been doing before. And Sam brought up the rear, like he had been doing before, with his head bowed and a downcast expression on his face. Poor Sam.

Suddenly, a really weird guy dressed in ugly, terribly mismatched clothing appeared out of nowhere. "AAHHH!" Frodo screamed, pointing at the stranger. "Quick, somebody call the fashion police!"

"Hi!" shouted the stranger. "I'm Tom Bomb-to-kill! You can just call me Tom!"

"Tom _Bomb-to-kill_?" the Magical Hobs exclaimed.

"Let me demonstrate." Tom reached into his pocket, pulled out a bomb, and hurled it at an innocent little squirrel that was sitting nearby. There was a loud exploding sound, and the poor little squirrel was blown to bits.

The Magical Hobs had looks of shock and disbelief on their faces. Sam wiped away several tears.

"Are you going to hurt us?" Frodo asked.

"No! Instead, I'll scare you away by singing really annoying nonsense songs!"

"No! Have mercy!" the Hobs cried.

"Come on then, Magical Hobs! You can visit my house!" Tom invited. Before any of them could answer, he tugged all of the Magical Hobs with him through the forest. After a few minutes, he stopped at the door of a house that was painted like a hippie van. "I like bright colors!" he explained.

"My old Gaffer would have a thing or two to say if he could see us now," Sam muttered.

Tom opened the multicolored door and dragged the Magical Hobs inside. Sitting in a chair was a beautiful woman, who had a collar around her neck and a leash that was tied to the wall.

Frodo looked at her and raised his eyebrows. "Wow, you're hot!" Tom slapped him. "Quit checking out my wife!"

"Your _wife_?" Frodo sounded rather downcast.

"Yes, my wife, Goldbooty!" Tom replied, gesturing at the tied-up woman. "I keep her tied up so that she can never escape from me! She has made several escape attempts in the past, and so I must prevent that! You wanna know how she got her name?"

"No, not really," Sam said quickly.

"Goldbooty, say hello to these Magical Hobs!" Tom said. He tugged on her leash, and she got to her feet. "Hello and welcome to the house of Tom Bomb-to-kill. I am Goldbooty, your lovely hostess. We offer nothing but the finest hospitality during your visit. Dinner will be served in an hour."

"Wow, did she memorize that off of a script or something?" Frodo asked.

"Actually, yes!" Tom said.

"Well, we really can't stay here," Frodo informed him. "We have to go to the village of Beer as soon as possible." He looked at Goldbooty. "But, maybe there are some attractions that are worth seeing..." He winked at Merry and Pippin, who winked back.

Sam was the only one who was immune to Goldbooty's extreme beauty. He grabbed Frodo by the wrist and tugged him towards the door. "Mr. Frodo, we have to go!"

"Aw." Frodo, Merry, and Pippin reluctantly went through the door, casting lingering looks back at Goldbooty. "Um...now where do we go?" Frodo wondered aloud.

"We're going to Beer, Mr. Frodo! Remember?" Sam reminded him.

"Oh yeah."

"We can take the Buckleberry Ferry!" Merry suggested. "Because it has a funny name!" He led the others through the forest and over to the ferry, where it sat calmly in the river.

Frodo started to whimper. "But I'm afraid of water!"

Sam took on a heroic look. "I won't let you drown, Mr. Frodo!" He picked Frodo up and set him gently down on the ferry.

"Oh Sam!" cried Frodo.

"Um, Mr. Frodo, let's not get all sappy here," said Sam, looking slightly frightened.

Frodo edged away from the other Magical Hob. "Sorry about that. Thanks for warning me."

* * *

My story is horribly lonely and needs reviews:( So review please!


	7. They're Coming!

Chapter Seven: They're Coming!

The Magical Hobs soon reached the village of Beer, and approached the giant gate. Frodo pounded on it several times, and it was opened by some geezer who resembled the old hag in Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

"What do you want?"

"Um... to come inside. Why else would I be standing out here?" Frodo answered.

The gatekeeper reluctantly opened up the gate and the four Magical Hobs went through. They were now in the village of Beer, and had ended up in a dark scary street that was full of hobos, lunatics, hicks, drug dealers, and a lot of people that were in serious need of a bath.

"This place is full of dirty people," Frodo commented, pointing at a group of people that were in serious need of a bath.

"Yarr... I've got a carrot!" exclaimed a filthy man, who was standing around gnawing on a carrot. Farmer Maggot suddenly appeared out of nowhere, screamed, "RARGH!" and snatched the carrot away. The filthy man started to cry, but suddenly spotted an old shoe on the ground and began gnawing on it instead.

The Magical Hobs wandered into the first inn they saw, which happened to be called The Frolicking Elf. They went up to the counter and a weird man popped up and said, "Hello there! I'm a European plant with large kidney shaped leaves!"

"WHAT!" the Hobs cried in confusion.

"No, actually my name is Butterbur!" the man said. He looked at Frodo. "What's your name?"

"Um...Smith. Or Smithy, if ye like," he answered.

"Sorry, that's Captain Jack Sparrow's excuse, I'm not buying it."

"Uh, Strider!"

"Aragorn's excuse."

"Neville Longbottom!"

"Harry Potter's excuse."

"Dernhelm!"

Butterbur yawned. "Eowyn's excuse. Hurry up, I don't have all day."

"Uh, Underhill?"

"Sounds original. Works for me!"

"Have you seen Gandalf the Grey lately?" Frodo asked Butterbur.

"Gandalf... Gandalf... Oh yes, he's my ex-boyfriend from college! Nope, haven't seen him." Butterbur then led the Hobs into the common room, where they sat down amid all of the scary looking people.

"WE LOVE YOU, FRODO!" screamed various Magical Hobs with the surname of Underhill.

"EEK! Who are you people!" Frodo cried in alarm. He hid underneath the table.

Sam kicked him. "Mr. Frodo, get out from under there!" Frodo reluctantly scurried out into the open and sat crouched down in his seat.

"Guess what, guys!" said Pippin. "I just learned what a pint is! Aren't you so proud of me!" Everyone looked disturbed and said nothing. "I'm so ignored..." Pippin whined.

"Then get drunk with us so you can blab about your friend!" suggested various weird people.

"Okay!" said Pippin.

"That fellow's done nothing but stare at you since we arrived," commented Sam, pointing at a mysterious filthy man who sat in the corner.

Frodo giggled. "I guess he finds me attractive."

"What!" cried Sam. "Nobody's allowed to find Mr. Frodo attractive! Er, not that I'm jealous! My heart belongs to Rosie!"

"Sam, you're confusing me," Frodo said. He chugged a glass of ale and ordered another. And another. And another.

"Rargh, I am so menacing and filthy!" commented the mysterious filthy man in the corner.

Frodo finished drinking his fourth mug and felt like having a fifth. He reached across the table and grabbed Sam's.

"That was mine, Mr. Frodo!" Sam cried.

"Oh. Well, I'm just going to go order my own then." Frodo stumbled out of his seat and staggered across the room. "The tater jumped over the moon!" he sang deliriously to himself. "Speaking of taters..." He grabbed the One Tater out of his pocket, took a bite, and then passed out.

"Well that wasn't good," Sam commented. He looked around and saw that everyone in the room was far too intoxicated to notice that Frodo had turned invisible. Well, except the filthy man in the corner, but he wasn't important.

After a few minutes, Frodo came to his senses and spat out the bite of tater. He soon reappeared, grabbed his tater, and tucked it into his pocket.

Suddenly, a hand grabbed him by the arm and carried him away. "Gotcha!"

"MR. FRODOOOOOOOO!" Sam cried distressedly.

Frodo looked at his captor and squealed, "Who are you?"

"I'm Rangerdude!" the unhygienic looking stranger said. "Taking a bite out of that tater was extremely stupid! Don't do it again."

Frodo pretended innocence. "Tater? What tater?"

"You know what I'm talking about!"

Suddenly, Sam, Merry, and Pippin burst into the room. "DON'T YOU DARE MOLEST MR. FRODO!" Sam screamed.

"Um, yeah, what he said!" Pippin yelled.

Merry looked down at the ground. "Hey, a carrot!" he was then distracted and picked it up.

"What could you possibly do to me? You're just a fat Hob," said Rangerdude.

"Why does everyone always call me fat?" Sam complained.

Rangerdude did not answer. He suddenly tensed up and screamed, "THEY'RE COMING!"

"Who's coming?" Frodo asked.

"They!" said Rangerdude.

"Who's they?"

"They're coming!"

"Who's coming?"

"They're coming!"

"WHO'S COMING!"

"Just hide!"

"I like hide-and-seek!" squeaked Frodo.

"This isn't hide-and-seek, you idiot! Now get into the next room!" Rangerdude hurriedly ushered the Magical Hobs into hiding, and there they waited.

Five Tater Wraiths suddenly burst in, each one holding some sort of device. "Mwahaha! With these Tater Detectors, we shall find that tater and bring it to our master!"

They went all over the room, but nobody's Tater Detector went off. One Tater Wraith looked at his curiously. "Are you guys sure that these things work?"

"Of course they do!" another Wraith replied. "That scary looking guy named Bill Ferny promised that they would work!"

"Well, we did buy them for an extremely cheap price," the first Wraith muttered.

"And you can never trust cheap products!" a third Wraith yelled. "Especially ones made by dwarves!"

"Hey! I resent that!" yelled a random dwarf.

The Tater Wraiths at last gave up on their fruitless search, got onto their giant walking french fries, and rode away.

Rangerdude and the Magical Hobs came out of hiding. "Yippee, we win!" cried Frodo. "Those stupid Wraiths don't know how to play hide-and-seek."

Suddenly, Butterbur burst into the room without knocking. "I've got a letter! I've a letter!" He started to dance around stupidly.

"Who's it for?" Frodo asked.

"I've got a letter!

"Yes, but who's it for!"

"A letter! A letter! I've got a letter!"

"Gimme that!" Frodo snatched the envelope and took out the letter. "It's for me."

Butterbur burst into tears. "You stole my letter!" He ran away and slammed the door.

"Good riddance," Frodo muttered. He then read his letter, which said:

Dear Frodo,

The village of Beer is not safe (though they do have good beer). You must leave, along with a man named Rangerdude, but make sure he really is Rangerdude. The real Rangerdude has body odor that can be smelled from across a room, and his hair gives off grease that puddles on the ground. He may be filthy, but his dirtiness will help save your life. I think.

Sincerely, Gandalf

After reading the letter, Frodo studied Rangerdude. He saw that there was a small puddle underneath him, of what appeared to be grease. But Frodo had one more test to make. He retreated to the far end of the room and sniffed the air. A foul smell reached his nose, causing him to gag, and he knew that it came from Rangerdude.

"We have to get out of here," Rangerdude said. "Now pack up and leave!"

"I don't want to go! This place has pints!" whined Pippin.

Rangerdude dragged the Magical Hobs outside. "So what? We're leaving now!"

Suddenly, a really ugly man named Bill Ferny popped out of a bush and said, "Bah!"

Frodo stared at him. "Wow! You're even uglier than my relative Lotho!"

"Which is saying something!" Pippin added.

Bill Ferny looked at Rangerdude. "Wanna buy a pretty horsey?" He gestured at a horse, that appeared to be on the verge of death and was as almost as hideous as his owner.

Rangerdude shuddered. "That thing's ugly and it's dying! I can get something way better in Horseyland!"

As soon as Sam saw the horse, his eyes bugged out of his head and his breath caught in his throat. He gasped and smiled, and was in a state of complete rapture. He flung himself at the horse and wrapped his arms around it in a tight hug. "This is the most beautiful creature I have ever seen in my life!"

The others stared at Sam in complete shock. He obviously needed to get his eyes checked.

Bill Ferny shoved the horse away. "Sold!"

"Hey, who said I was buying that thing?" Rangerdude protested.

Sam looked up at Rangerdude with pleading, tear-filled eyes. "Please, Mr. Rangerdude! Please buy him!"

"Oh, all right." Rangerdude grudgingly pulled some coins out of his pocket and tossed them at Bill Ferny, who promptly disappeared back into his bush.

"Oh thank you, Mr. Rangerdude!" Sam cried. He gave his new animal an affectionate hug. "I'll name him Bill!" And thus Bill the Pony joined their party.

* * *

Note: I somehow found the word "butterbur" in the dictionary and it said that it's a European plant with large kidney shaped leaves! Hahahaha! I crack myself up. Which is sad. 


	8. A Smell in the Dark

Chapter Eight: A Smell in the Dark

Rangerdude, the four Magical Hobs, and Bill the pony then left the village of Beer and went out into the wilderness.

"Where are we going?" Frodo asked.

"I'm taking you to Rivendell, home of the prancing, pretty little elves. And we're not stopping on the way there, because I've never heard of second breakfast."

Pippin stopped in his tracks. "WHAT!"

"You heard me," Rangerdude said. "Let's get moving."

"But I have to have second breakfast!" said Pippin. "Or I'll die! Do you want me to die!"

"That wouldn't be too bad..." Rangerdude muttered under his breath.

"What?" Pippin said.

"Um... nothing! Now, er, here! Be content with this!" Rangerdude then took an apple and hurled it at Pippin's head.

"OW! THE SKY IS FALLING!" screamed Pippin, who then started running around in circles yelling.

Merry excitedly grabbed the apple. "OH MY GOSH! IT'S BOB'S FRIEND!"

"Um... does he do that often?" asked Rangerdude.

Frodo rolled his eyes. "Get used to it," he said. "Merry, put that apple down, you don't know where it's been!"

"Excuse me!" said Merry. "He's a he, not an it!"

"Whatever," said Frodo.

They soon arrived at the midgewater marshes, which was ugly and infested with vicious, flesh-eating bugs, that were bent on the destruction of Magical Hobs. At least, that was how Rangerdude described the bugs.

"Don't follow the lightsssss!" Rangerdude hissed.

"What lights?" Frodo asked.

"Never mind. I was temporarily possessed."

"Really?"

"No!"

"There are dead things, dead faces in the water- Wait never mind, wrong marshes," said Sam.

A bug landed on Merry and he caught it in his hand. "Hey, these things aren't vicious and flesh-eating!"

"Well, um, I lied," Rangerdude said.

Merry stroked the bug's head. It flew out of his grasp, bit him, and flew away. Merry angrily shook his fist at it. "I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!"

"Er, let's get out of here," Rangerdude muttered. "As soon as possible." He hurried the Magical Hobs out of the midgewater marshes, and they continued walking.

Suddenly, Rangerdude stopped and picked something up off of the ground. It was a piece of paper, and it said:

Hello, Rangerdude and Frodo

This is Gandalf the Grey writing you this, and I was here three days ago. I just thought you might want to know this. I'm not sure if it was a good idea to put my name and yours on this blatant paper where anybody can see it, but it was a risk that I was stupid enough to take. Hopefully nobody but you saw this. Well, got to go now.

From, Gandalf the Grey (in case you forgot who's writing this)

Rangerdude ripped up the paper into little tiny pieces and scattered them to the wind. "Idiot. I hope nobody found that."

Suddenly night-time arrived and the Magical Hobs gathered around a fire while Rangerdude suddenly appeared before them. "Look, you guys! I have a dead deer! And it's all bloody!"

"Eew..." moaned the Magical Hobs.

"And now I will sing, because I think that the Magical Hobs are asleep and will therefore not hear me," said Rangerdude, who then started singing to himself in a terrible voice.

"Hiya Rangerdude!" screamed Frodo.

"Stupid Frodo! Why aren't you asleep?"

"I don't know. You can't sing very well."

"Go to sleep, Frodo!"

"Meep! Yes, Rangerdude." The Magical Hob quickly ducked under his cloak and was fast asleep. Rangerdude helped himself to a piece of bloody, bug infested deer meat.

The next day, everyone left camp and soon arrived at a hill that was called Weathertop. Frodo laughed. "Haha! The weather is on top! Why is it called that?"

Rangerdude shrugged. "I don't know. But we have to spend the night here." He led them all into a smelly little cave and the Magical Hobs sat down and made camp.

"Okay, well, I've got to go now," Rangerdude announced.

"You're abandoning us!" Frodo cried.

"No, not exactly. I'm just leaving for a while so I can be conveniently out of danger! Bye!" He ran out of the cave as fast as he could, leaving the Magical Hobs all alone. Frodo soon became tired and fell asleep right on the floor.

Pippin grabbed some sticks and lit a fire. "I know I shouldn't, but I am giving in to my pyromaniac urges! Mwahahahaha!" Merry and Sam looked at him oddly. "What?" Pippin said.

Frodo suddenly woke and screamed, "Eek! My house is on fire!"

Sam anxiously rushed to his side. "Mr. Frodo!"

"Nothing. Just a dream."

"Oh. Okay."

Frodo suddenly looked around him and shrieked, "Holy shitake mushrooms! Fire! PUT IT OUT!"

"No way! It's my preciousssss!" cried Pippin. He affectionately stroked the fire and screamed in pain. "Ow! Fire hurts!"

Frodo then saved the day by taking a tinkle on the fire. The flames were soon extinguished and everything was safe and happy once more.

Pippin burst into tears. "NOOOOO! MY FIRE!"

"I had to," Frodo explained. "Someone could have seen it."

"Like us, for example," commented five Tater Wraiths.

The Magical Hobs screamed, wet themselves, and then ran out of the cave, which was an extremely stupid idea. "Wow, that was stupid," the Tater Wraiths commented. "But also convenient!"

One of the Wraiths, who happened to be the Tater King, cornered Frodo and wounded him in the shoulder with a shovel. Frodo screamed and passed out.

Suddenly, Rangerdude appeared out of nowhere. "RARRRRGH!" He approached the Tater Wraiths and lifted his arms into the air. In the next moment, there was a scream of, "AAAAGGGHHHH! THE AWFUL BODY ODOR!" and the Tater Wraiths all ran off.

"Hahaha!" laughed Rangerdude. "Good thing I don't use deodorant!"

"Mr. Frodo's dying," Sam commented.

"Well I'm too stupid to heal him," Rangerdude said. "And if I touch him, all the filth on my hands will dirty up his wound and infect it!" He picked up the shovel that the Tater King had used. "Egad! Frodo has been stabbed by a shovel from Mulchdor!"

The shovel then made several loud beeping noises and then exploded into a thousand pieces. "Interesting," Rangerdude muttered. He then dragged Frodo behind him until he came to a clearing in the woods. He dropped Frodo, and the Magical Hob leaned over and vomited.

"Eew!" said Rangerdude. "Don't do that around me!"

"I don't think it would make any difference, since you're already filthy!" Merry said. Rangerdude glared at him.

Meanwhile, in Rivendell, Elrond was holding a council of special magnificence. Elrond scowled. "Alright, the council's starting soon!"

"Heh heh heh..." laughed Arwen. She got out a potion and quickly put it in Glorfindel's tea while nobody was looking.

"Okay, is everybody here?" Elrond said with a scowl. "There is a wounded Magical Hob out in the forest. Who wants to go save him?"

"Ooh, me! Pick me pick me pick me!" cried Glorfindel. He took a sip of tea and fell over in his seat. Arwen tried to stifle a laugh.

"Um... okay. Any other volunteers?"

"I'll go, Ada!" shouted Arwen with an evil grin.

Elrond scowled. "Okay, fine."

"Yippee!" cried Arwen. She excitedly left her seat, ran to the stables, and mounted Glorfindel's prized white horse, Asfaloth. She was about to take off when a voice suddenly shouted, "STOP RIGHT THERE!" The she-elf turned around saw to her surprise, Glorfindel.

"Glorfindel? What are you doing here?"

"I quickly and conveniently recovered from that little incident with the tea, and then I followed you here. Give me my horse back!"

Arwen remained in the saddle. "If you want him, come and claim him!" She kicked Asfaloth and rode away. Glorfindel quickly found a horse, got on it, and followed Arwen.


	9. A Scuffle Between Elves

Chapter Nine: A Scuffle Between Elves

In the wild, Frodo was moaning pathetically while Sam hovered over him constantly, which was a severe violation of personal space. "Mr. Frodo! Mr. Frodo!"

"What!" snapped Frodo. "In case you haven't noticed, I'm dying here!"

Sam pointed an excitedly shaking finger at something on the ground. "Troll dolls!" And sure enough, there was a twisted puddle of melted, tan-colored plastic.

"Trolls dolls?" Frodo scoffed. "You're concerning me with some dead troll dolls? I'm going to sleep." He closed his eyes and was soon snoring softly.

"Troll dolls?" Rangerdude asked. He went over to where Sam was pointing. "The sun must have melted their ugly plastic bodies."

"Mr. Bilbo's troll dolls!" Sam shrieked excitedly. He grabbed Bill the pony and the two of them did a happy dance around the plastic puddle.

"Sam, quit dancing!" Rangerdude ordered. "Here, you Magical Hobs, take these torches in case the Wraiths come."

Pippin eagerly grabbed a torch. "FIRE! Hahaha!" He excitedly waved it around in the air, and several sparks jumped from it.

"Okay, bad idea," said Rangerdude. He snatched Pippin's torch away.

Pippin was on the verge of tears. "That was mine! Hey, a chipmunk!" He suddenly looked happy and chased after the animal.

"What a weirdo," Rangerdude muttered. "Hey Sam, get some athelas!"

"Atha-what!" said Sam, confused.

"Athelas!"

"What in the name of the Gaffer's cabbages is athelas!"

"Honestly, don't you know anything?"

"Apparently not."

"Well have you heard of kingsfoil!" Rangerdude asked.

Suddenly some annoying lady from Minas Tirith popped out of nowhere, screamed, "THE HANDS OF THE KING ARE THE HANDS OF A HEALER!" and disappeared.

Sam suddenly brightened. "Kingsfoil, aye, it's a weed."

Merry's head perked up. "Did somebody just mention weed?"

Pippin, who had captured the chipmunk and was now teaching it to do back flips, cried, "Weed! Where!"

"Not that kind of weed, morons!" Rangerdude yelled.

"Oh, darn," Merry said. He then stared at his torch, mesmerized by the orangeness of it. "Carrots are orange!" he announced. He took a carrot out of his pocket and sat it on top of his torch. The carrot suddenly burned up and disintegrated. "Why must carrots always die!"

"You are one crazy little Magical Hob," Rangerdude told Merry. Merry was too busy being distracted by his torch and made no reply.

"Goody, I found athelas!" cried Rangerdude, holding up the leaves proudly. "I really didn't need to send Sam to look for it, but I did it anyway as an excuse to get rid of him!"

Suddenly, the thundering of hoof beats could be heard. Rangerdude and the Magical Hobs turned to look, and saw two horses come galloping towards them. One of the horses, a white one, was slightly ahead, and an elf woman dismounted and ran towards Rangerdude.

"Arwen?" Rangerdude cried in surprise.

"I've come for Frodo! My father wants to heal-" A hand suddenly shoved her away, and another elf stood in her place. "Where is Frodo?" Glorfindel asked.

Rangerdude stared at both of them. "I'm confused."

"That's alright," Arwen said sweetly. "Just give me the Magical Hob and everything will be fine."

"Don't listen to her!" Glorfindel screamed. "She stole my horse and is now trying to steal Frodo!"

Rangerdude looked at the elf woman in shock. "Arwen! I'm surprised at you!"

"It's true!" Glorfindel cried hysterically.

Arwen gave a maniacal laugh. "Well, so what if it's true? I'm taking Frodo and there is nothing you can do about it!" She walked towards the wounded Magical Hob, and was about to wake him, when suddenly Glorfindel pounced on her knocked and her to the ground.

"You can't hit a girl!" Arwen cried. She punched Glorfindel and tried to get away.

"Yes I can!" yelled Glorfindel. He grabbed her again and soon the two of them were involved in a rather violent fight.

Frodo opened his eyes and stared at the viciously brawling elves in shock. "I suppose I'll just have to get myself to Rivendell!" He tiredly got to his feet and trotted away in the direction of Rivendell.

Glorfindel looked around and saw no sign of Frodo. "He's gotten away! I must rescue him!" He got on Asfaloth and took off after the Magical Hob.

"Not if I rescue him first!" growled Arwen. She mounted the other horse and chased after Glorfindel.

Rangerdude had watched the whole entire thing with interest. "I hope poor Frodo manages to escape the clutches of both of them."

Sam came back from his search for the athelas. "Okay, I've got it-" He looked wildly around. "Hey, where'd Mr. Frodo go? MR. FRODO!" he ran around in circles like an idiot, screaming for Frodo.

"Imbecile..." muttered Rangerdude.

Frodo, meanwhile, was still running through the woods and becoming more and more exhausted. He suddenly heard the sound of horses coming up behind him. "Oh no! It must be Tater Wraiths!" he assumed, and forced himself to put on an extra burst of speed.

"Oh no, Frodo's getting even farther away!" Glorfindel moaned, as he saw Frodo speed up ahead of him.

"And I'm getting farther ahead of you!" Arwen yelled, as she pulled her horse up alongside his.

"You're not getting Frodo!" Glorfindel yelled. He whispered to Asfaloth and the horse went faster, leaving Arwen slightly behind once more.

Frodo's strength at last gave out and he collapsed on the ground unconscious. A few moments later, Glorfindel sprang from his horse and rushed to his side. "Frodo?" He picked up the Magical Hob and the two of them were seated on Asfaloth. Glorfindel was about to ride away when Arwen suddenly arrived.

"Give up the halfling, elf!" she demanded.

"Never!"

"Then I'll take him by force!" She prepared to charge her horse at Glorfindel.

Suddenly, Elrond came running outside. "What in the world are you two doing! You're acting like a pair of wild children!"

Arwen looked down at the ground. "Um, hello Ada!"

Elrond scowled at her and glared at Glorfindel. "Give the Magical Hob to me." Glorfindel quickly handed Frodo over and Elrond took him indoors.

Glorfindel looked at Arwen haughtily. "You never got Frodo! Haha!"

"Well you didn't get him either."

"Yes I did! I had him for approximately eight seconds!"

"That doesn't count. You have to have had him for at least one minute!"

Glorfindel looked annoyed. "Well you still never even got to touch him! So I won!" He smiled triumphantly and rode away on Asfaloth.

Arwen watched him go with a scowl on her face. "I lost. I'm a loser!" She nudged her horse to a trot. "Well at least Rangerdude will comfort me! I hope." She rode off into the wild.

* * *

Hmm... I don't seem to be getting any reviews. I happen to like reviews very much, so please be a kind soul and give me some! 


	10. Annoying and Lengthy Flashbacks

Chapter Ten: Annoying and Lengthy Flashbacks

Frodo lay asleep in Rivendell, in a rather girlish looking bed. "There's no place like home, there's no place like home..." he muttered, tossing and turning wildly.

Gandalf reached over and shook him. "Dorothy, er, I mean, Frodo! Wake up!" Frodo continued to sleep. Gandalf shook him harder, but the Magical Hob did not wake.

Gandalf leaned over, put his mouth to Frodo's ear, and screamed, "FRODO!" The Magical Hob gave a startled jump and opened his eyes. "Gandalf!"

"Of course I'm Gandalf! Who else would I be?"

"How could you have abandoned us like that, Gandalf? Don't you love us?"

"I didn't abandon you, you moron," Gandalf replied. "This is what really happened..."

Flashback:

Gandalf arrived wheezing and panting at Skittleman the Many Colored's tree-house. Skittleman had never gotten around to building a tower and had to make do with a tree-house. He soon appeared outside, wearing a robe of all the rainbow's colors, which is what gave him the name Skittleman.

"Hello, Skittleman," Gandalf wheezed.

"Skittles. Taste the rainbow," the other wizard replied.

"Um... yeah. That's nice.

"Look, my fingernails have grown sixteen inches since the last time you saw me!" Skittleman announced. He displayed his fingernails, which had been freshly manicured and polished.

Gandalf tried not to show his disgust. "Interesting. Now let's discuss what I've come to discuss. The tater has been in the Pretty Green Secluded Area, and it is in the possession of Frodo Baggins the Magical Hob, who is on his way to Rivendell!"

"How stupid of you," Skittleman told him. "You've told me all of that vital, secret information! And I shall now use it for my evil plans!"

"Evil plans? No!"

"Yes!" Skittleman climbed up the ladder to his tree-house and dragged Gandalf inside with him. "I've gone to the Dark Side! Er, I mean, I've gone evil!"

"Egad!" gasped Gandalf. "This cannot be!"

"Mwahaha! And I have been contacting Farmer Sauron with this burnt donut!" He gestured at the burnt donut, which sat on a pedestal.

"But looking into the lost burnt donuts will corrupt you!" Gandalf argued.

"So? Do you really think I care about that?"

"Well, uh, I have to be going now, Skittleman," Gandalf said hastily. He tried to get to the exit but Skittleman blocked his path. "Not so fast!"

The two wizards then engaged in a violent and extremely pointless battle with their staffs, which concluded that old people need their exercise too.

Skittleman was much more skilled at staff fighting than Gandalf was, and he soon had Gandalf flat on the floor, spinning around in circles. "Mwahaha! I'm making you break-dance against your will!"

"You can see up my robe when I'm in this position," said Gandalf. "It makes me feel very uncomfortable."

"Well then I shall make you even more uncomfortable!" Skittleman raised his staff and sent Gandalf on top of the roof of the tree-house.

"But I'm afraid of heights!" whined Gandalf.

"Good!"

"And it's raining out here!"

"Yes, exactly! Rain contains dust particles, and hopefully the dust particles will get stuck down your throat and you'll die!"

"Nooooo!" Gandalf moaned. Rain continued to fall and pour on him, until his hair soon resembled a wet mop.

"Hmm... I should rip off Gandalf's hair and use it as a cleaning mop..." Skittleman thought to himself.

Time passed, and Gandalf was still on the roof of Skittleman's tree-house, alone and in the rain. Suddenly, a boy named Peter Pan flew to the tree-house. "Come away to Neverland!"

"No way!" wheezed Gandalf indignantly.

"Not _that_ Neverland, you moron!" Peter Pan said.

"Well I still don't want to go there."

"Well then where would you rather go?"

"Horseyland would be nice," Gandalf wheezed.

"Okay then," said Peter Pan. He grabbed Gandalf by the wrist and they flew away from the tree-house. "Heights make me dizzy," Gandalf moaned.

"Don't me dare spit up on me!" Peter Pan warned.

"I'll try not to."

Skittleman poked his head out the tree-house entrance. "SKITTLES! TASTE THE RAINBOW!" He angrily shook his fist at them, sat down, and ate a bag of Skittles.

Peter Pan then dropped Gandalf off at Horseyland, and then flew away, never to be seen again. Gandalf strode into the Not-A-Single-Speck-Of-Gold-Hall and approached King Theoden. "Hello, Theoden King!"

"What do you want?"

"I need a horse!"

"We don't have any horses!"

"Of course you do, I saw several stables full of them!"

"Well Skittleman the Many Colored said that I'm not allowed to give you anything! So ha!"

"What if I give you something in exchange for a horse that you don't even want anymore?" Gandalf offered.

The king thought for a moment. "Empty your pockets. I want to see all of your belongings!"

Gandalf obeyed and pulled out everything that he had with him, which included his staff, the account of Isildur, an Elf Princess doll, an expired cookie, some Old Toby, a roll of toilet paper, a pink bra, and various other wizardly objects.

Theoden looked at it all, picking up each object and studying it. He flipped over the account of Isildur and saw "_How Thranduil Got in Touch With His Feminine Side" _on the back of it. "Interesting. I'll take this, and some of your Old Toby, and you can go take that vicious white horse that nobody likes!"

"Okay," wheezed Gandalf. He went outside and found the vicious white horse that nobody liked. The horse glared at him and tried to kick. "Hey horsey!" Gandalf called to it. "Let me ride you!"

The horse defiantly kept his distance. Gandalf tried again. "Let me ride you! I've got some Old Toby!" The horse pricked up his ears at the mention of Old Toby and allowed Gandalf to get on his back.

"Haha, I knew that would work!" Gandalf laughed. "I will name you Shadowfax! Which makes no sense because you are white, which is the opposite of shadows! Oh well!" He shrugged and rode off to Rivendell.

End of Flashback.

"And so that is how it all happened," Gandalf concluded. "So, what do you think of that, Frodo? Frodo!" He then saw that Frodo had become weary with Gandalf's talking and lay fast asleep once more. "That boy sure does sleep a lot." He shook Frodo awake.

"Huh? What happened!" Frodo cried.

"Calm down, Frodo, it's just me."

Frodo had relaxed and was now sitting up in bed. Suddenly, there was a loud, disruptive noise.

"MR. FRODOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Sam, running into the room at top speed. Frodo was too startled to speak. Sam, in his extreme excitement, grabbed Frodo's hand so hard that he yanked it off. "Uh... oops..."

"Sam!" yelled Frodo.

"Here, I'll fix it," said Gandalf. He took a bottle of glue out of his pocket and glued Frodo's hand back on.

"Wow, thanks Gandalf!"

"Ah, the power of superglue," Gandalf replied.

"Well, I think I should go outside now, for reasons that I am unsure of," Frodo decided.

"MR. FRODO ISN'T GOING NOWHERE WITHOUT MEEEEEE!" screamed Sam, rushing to Frodo's side.

"Sheesh, a little overprotective, aren't you?" Frodo said. Sam nodded with enthusiasm. The two Magical Hobs then went outside and found Merry and Pippin.

Merry held something in his hand. "Look, I have another apple! This one is named Bob II!" he announced excitedly.

"What ever happened to the first Bob?" Frodo said.

"I don't know."

"Neither do I," said Frodo. A sudden fit of exhaustion suddenly came over him and he fell asleep right there. Merry, Pippin, and Sam ran away.

Suddenly, Bilbo hobbled along, approached Frodo, and screamed in his ear, "CHEEEEEEEEESE!"

Frodo instantly woke up and looked wildly around him. "Cheese? Where!"

"No you fool!" screeched Bilbo, who had clearly gone out of his mind with age.

"Bilbo!" cried Frodo. "Your hair is all white now and you look rather like an old woman!"

Bilbo ignored Frodo's comment and happily greeted him. "Oh, by the way, I've completed writing my book. I've called it: Some Random Place That I Went To and Then I Went Home and Got Bored and Went to That Place Again."

"What a stupid title for a book."

"You hurt my feelings!" whined Bilbo. "Now my self-esteem is lowered and I'll get depressed and will have to go on Prozac!"

Frodo shrugged and scurried away. Bilbo fell asleep and drooled all over his book.


	11. The Very Odd Council

Chapter Eleven: The Very Odd Council

While Frodo was spending time with his friends, Rangerdude sat around brooding. Suddenly, someone snuck up behind him and yelled, "BOO!"

"AAAIII!" screamed Rangerdude. "Wait, that's Legolas' scream. I mean, AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!"

"Did I scare you?" Arwen asked.

"Of course you did! You made me scream like Legolas!" Legolas suddenly popped up, exclaimed, "I resent that, you know!" and disappeared.

"Why do I keep popping up randomly?" Arwen asked.

"I don't know," Rangerdude said.

"I love you so much that I'm going to give you a piece of feminine jewelry! And you _have_ to wear it!" She forced something into his hand.

Rangerdude looked at it. "Arwen, this is just a piece of string that has an oddly shaped piece of tin foil strung on to it!"

"Yes! I made it when I was just a little elfling! It is called the Foilstar pendant! Now wear it, or else!"

"Fine then," he reluctantly put on the silly little piece of string. "Now let's make out!"

"I'm not kissing you until you wash yourself! You probably have fleas."

"But I'm a Ranger! I have to be dirty! And I don't have fleas!" He paused to scratch at a flea on his arm. "Well, maybe one of two fleas."

"Well then I'm certainly not kissing you!"

Rangerdude managed a few tears. "I can't properly bathe until I've become king of Gone-Door, alright? It's the rules, and I have to follow them!"

"Then you'd better become king soon!" Arwen snarled.

"Okay, I will! Now will you please kiss me? Just once?"

"Oh fine," she sighed.

After they had been kissing for about ten seconds, Pippin suddenly popped out of some bushes and laughed, "Haha! I've caught you!" He then ran off before Rangerdude could kill him.

Later that day, Gandalf came barging into Frodo's room. "Gandalf, get out! I'm in my underpants!" Frodo shrieked in embarrassment.

"Oops, sorry," Gandalf covered his eyes and ducked out of the room. A few minutes later, he heard Frodo say, "It's alright now! You can come in!"

Gandalf went back inside. "Frodo, Elrond demands that you attend his council."

"Okay, when do I go?"

Gandalf looked at the clock. "Holy Haldir! The council started five minutes ago!" He grabbed Frodo by the wrist and yanked him behind, until they at last reached the council.

Elrond got up from his chair and folded his arms in front of him. "You're late!"

"A wizard is never late, Elrond Halfelven, nor is he- I mean, yes I know. I'm sorry." Gandalf gave Frodo a shove forward. "I've got Frodo." He poked Frodo again and whispered, "Sit down!" Frodo obeyed, and found a seat. Gandalf sat beside him.

Elrond got back into his own chair. "Alright, now that the minor interruption has passed, we can begin with the council." He scowled at them all. "The One Tater is incredibly dangerous. Someone must dispose of it as fast as possible. Frodo, bring out the tater!"

Frodo skipped over to a little slab of rock, removed the tater from his pocket, and set it down for all to see. He waved to everyone in the council. "Hello! I am Frodo Baggins, and I am a Magical Hob! I like trees, and mushroom soup, and-"

"Frodo, sit down, you little fool!" Elrond yelled. Frodo whimpered and went back to his seat.

"All of you may now sit and stare at this menacing piece of food," Elrond said, gesturing at the tater that was sitting there harmlessly.

Gandalf stood up. "I would now like to terrify you all by reciting the poem that is linked to this tater!" He cleared his throat and said:

"Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet  
Eating her curds and whey  
Along came a spider and sat down beside her  
And frightened Miss Muffet away."

Thunder suddenly boomed overhead, lightning flashed, and the whole council became frightened out of their very wits.

Boromir hid underneath his chair. "I want my mommy!"

"Scary!" cried Legolas and Gimli, who then accidentally grabbed each other's hands in their fear.

The thunder and lightning ceased, and Gandalf took a bow and sat back down.

"Gandalf, that was the worst bit of poetry I've ever heard in my life," Elrond commented.

Boromir crawled out from under his chair. Gimli angrily yanked his hand out of Legolas' grasp.

"Of course it was terrible!" Gandalf said. "It doesn't have anything to do with the tater! I just wanted to recite it so that I could frighten you all!"

"We're supposed to be talking about the tater, not saying bad poetry!" Elrond scowled at the council. "Now let's discuss the tater."

"I think we should use the tater!" Boromir suggested. "We can give it to my mentally unstable father!" Crickets chirped in the background.

"That's just stupid!" Rangerdude declared.

"What do you know?" said Boromir. "You're just a Ranger who's never heard of soap and water."

Legolas suddenly stood up. "This is Rangerdude and he is a Ranger! Though no mere one! And my name is Legolas and I am an elf!" He smiled happily at the council.

"Get on with it, blondie," snapped Boromir.

"He is Aragorn son of Are-A-Thorn!" Legolas announced proudly. The council groaned.

"Well, of course I am! Who else would I be?" said Aragorn.

"Hey, it's not my fault that my only purpose here is to state everything that's obvious!" Legolas complained. "I should protest!"

"Well go protest somewhere else," Elrond said absently.

"Gone-Door doesn't need a stupid king," Boromir commented. "My father is perfectly sane."

Elrond snickered. "Oh, sure he is," he muttered sarcastically.

Meanwhile, in Minas Tirith, Denethor sat on his chair wearing a straight jacket, while one of his eyes twitched continuously. "KILL THE CARROTS! THE CARROTS ARE NOTHING BUT USURPERS!" He keeled over and fell onto the floor.

"Father, are you alright?" Faramir asked anxiously.

"Who the heck are you?"

"Never mind." Faramir walked away. "Why couldn't _I_ have gone to that stupid council? Why? I'm stuck here with _him_!" He glanced back at Denethor, who was being tended to by some men in white coats.

Back in Rivendell, Elrond said, "Boromir, your father can't even remember who his own sons are! Do you really think he could use the power of the tater? Gandalf, what do you think about this?"

Gandalf, however, could not answer, as he was sprawled in his chair sleeping. Elrond smacked him. "Wake up, you gray fool!"

Gandalf jerked awake. "Hey, gray fool is Denethor's pet name for me! Wait, did I just say pet name? I meant to say nickname, I swear!"

Elrond sighed. "Come on, people, let's actually discuss the tater for a change! First of all, the tater must be destroyed in Mulchdor, in the fiery pits of Mount Explodey."

"Rargh!" Gimli suddenly sprang from his seat. He grabbed the tater and ripped it up into a bunch of little rectangular shapes. "There, problem solved. And I've made tater tots!"

"No, Gimli grandson of Groin!" yelled Elrond. "That's too easy! We have to do it the hard way!"

Gandalf waved his staff around and put the tater back together. Gimli went back to his seat and pouted.

"What a loser," Legolas muttered to the elf next to him. Gimli glared at Legolas. "Well at least I don't look like a girl!"

Legolas and all of the other elves gasped. "A girl!" Legolas cried. "If I was feminine, then how I would attract all of these fangirls?" He gestured at a group of simpering, drooling girls that were clustered in some nearby bushes.

"Well at least I don't have blonde hair!" Gimli yelled.

"At least I use deodorant!" the elf shot back. Gimli and the rest of the dwarves all stood up in anger and brought out their weapons.

"Say that right to my face!" threatened a particularly hostile looking dwarf. Legolas retreated behind a wall of elves. "Um, no, I'd rather not."

"Ha! That elf is a coward!" the dwarves taunted.

"Oh yeah?" Legolas emerged from behind his fellow elves and strung his bow. The other elves did the same thing, and all of the dwarves held up their axes.

Frodo suddenly stood up and looked at them all. "I WILL TAKE THE TATER TO MULCHDOR!"

The elves and dwarves all stared at the Magical Hob in slight confusion. "Frodo, that's not even what they were arguing about," Aragorn told him.

Frodo sat back down. "Oh." The elves and dwarves also took their seats and ceased their fighting.

Two seconds later, Frodo stood up again. "Now can I say it?" he whispered to Gandalf. The wizard nodded. Frodo cleared his throat and yelled, "I will take the tater to Mulchdor!"

Elrond shrugged. "Okay. Fine with me. But you're going to have to travel to Mulchdor and go to Mount Explodey, which will more than likely kill you."

"Okay," said Frodo. He thought for a moment. "You know what? Why doesn't somebody just _eat_ the stupid tater?"

"You know, I never thought of that," Elrond said. "And it might actually work if it wasn't for the stupid digestive system!"

"What do you mean?" Frodo asked.

"You know, the last stage of digestion! When it comes out and turns into- Never mind."

"Oh, I get it!" Frodo cried. "You're right, eating the tater wouldn't work. Unless everybody stopped defecating."

"Frodo, you're disgusting!" Gandalf scolded. "To keep an eye on you, I'm also going on the journey. And also because I make a great walking map/encyclopedia!"

"Knowledge is the greatest weapon!" Aragorn agreed.

"Really?" asked Frodo.

"No way! My magnificent sword is the greatest weapon! And it will protect you because I'm coming too!"

Legolas made several loud gagging and choking sounds. "No! He's coming too? He might infect my ultimate cleanliness with his filth!"

"So?" said Aragorn.

"Well my looks and appearance are my chief concern!" the elf replied. "And I'm coming along too, despite the dirty Ranger!"

"What purpose could _you_ possibly have?" Frodo asked.

"Well, I say obvious stuff a lot. You could use me for that, so that you don't have to point out the obvious things yourself. And I'm nice and clean at all times!"

Gimli growled angrily. "Now all those elves will think they're better, just because one of their kind is in the fellowship!" He strode over to the little group. "Which means I'm joining, whether anyone likes it or not!"

"I definitely don't like it," muttered Legolas.

Gimli heard him. "There's no respect for dwarves."

Boromir stood up. "I also wish to go, because my enormous shield will protect everyone from the rain! And also because Frodo just looks so squeezable and huggable!"

"Eek!" squealed Frodo. He quickly hid behind Gandalf.

Suddenly, a voice cried, "Mr. Frodo just gave a squeal of terror!" Sam popped out of a bush brandishing his sword. "Mr. FRODO, I'LL SAVE YOOOUUU!"

"Sam, I'm alright," Frodo said.

"Mr. Frodo's not going nowhere without me!"

"Fine, but you're carrying all the stuff," Gandalf said.

"What do you think I am, a pack mule?" Sam complained.

"Yes," said Frodo.

Merry suddenly popped out of nowhere. "You guys are purposely leaving me out! I see how it is!"

"Wow, however did you guess?" Elrond cried.

"Well, I want to- Hey, look! A chair!" He pointed at the chair. Elrond smacked him. "Oops, sorry. Anyway, I want to go too, because of my fierce attitude and ADD!"

Pippin suddenly walked in. "Oh, there you guys are! I've been looking for the council for half an hour! I got lost and then some elf gave me the wrong directions!"

"Pippin, you weren't even invited," Gandalf told him.

"That's okay, I invited myself! Can I join the fellowship?"

"No!" Elrond yelled. "No Magical Hobs!

"Well what about Frodo and Sam?" Merry asked.

"They're vital to the journey."

"Even Sam?"

Sam was carrying about ten bags on stuff on his back. "Oww..."

"Yeah," said Elrond. "Somebody has to carry the supplies. Go home, Hobs."

Gandalf was sick of all the pointless arguing and banged his stick on the ground. "Just shut up and let Merry and Pippin come!"

Pippin gasped. "He actually took my side! Today should be a national holiday!"

"Yeah yeah, don't get used to it," the wizard snarled.

"Well, um, you guys are now a fellowship of nine mentally disturbed people," Elrond announced. "I shall name thee the Fellowship of the Tater!"

Frodo raised his hand. "Does it have to be tater? Because I was thinking more along the lines of the Fellowship of the Frodo."

Gandalf nudged him. "Frodo, shut up."

* * *

Wow. This chapter was freakishly long. And such a long chapter most definitely deserves a review! 


	12. And They're Off

Chapter Twelve: And They're Off

Bilbo demanded another visit from Frodo, and so Frodo rather hesitantly went into the old man's bedroom. "Frodo my lad!" croaked Bilbo.

"Oh great," Frodo whined. "Now I have to humor the old guy."

"Frodo, I have gifts for you!"

Frodo's eyes lit up. "Gifts? YIPPEE!" He began bouncing around the room excitedly.

"FRODO, CALM DOWN THIS INSTANT!"

"Sorry."

Bilbo shoved something into Frodo's hand. "Here is Gift Number One. It is an Elven blade, named Sting!"

Frodo looked down at the object in his hands. "Er, Bilbo? This is no Elven blade! It's just a plastic butter knife!"

"Of course it's not! It's a fine sword!"

"YOU STUPID SENILE OLD MAN! IT IS A _BUTTER KNIFE_!"

Bilbo laughed. "Silly boy! Whatever gave you that idea? Now where did I put your other gift?" He fumbled around for about ten minutes and then discovered that it had been in his hand the whole time. "Ah, here it is. Gift Number Two! A mithril shirt!" He handed it to Frodo.

Frodo looked rather disturbed. "Bilbo, this is... ladies lingerie!"

"Oh, come now! No it isn't! It's a mail shirt of mithril! Hard as dragon scales!"

"Bilbo, it's ladies lingerie! How in the world did you obtain this anyway?"

Meanwhile, Arwen was tearing her whole room apart looking for something. "Where did my best lingerie go? Where?"

"Well, um, thanks for the gifts, Bilbo!" Frodo said hastily. "I'll be leaving now!" He quickly headed towards the door, but Bilbo stopped him.

"Wait! First, you have to take off your shirt!"

"EEW! You sick old man!"

"No, you fool! I didn't mean it like that!" Bilbo explained. "It's so you can try on your mithril- er, lingerie." One of his eyes twitched violently, and then the other. "And I want to take that tater back once and for all!" He reached for Frodo, his eyes rolling crazily and foam pouring from his mouth.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!" Frodo ran out of Bilbo's room as fast as his Hob legs could go, and didn't go there again after that.

Meanwhile, Aragorn was about to receive a gift also. "Aragorn," Elrond announced, "the broken sword has been reforged! You may now wield Anduril!"

"Oh goody!" Aragorn cried.

Elrond gestured at the sword that lay on a table. "Go ahead. Pick it up."

Before Aragorn could take his sword, Boromir suddenly wandered into the room. "What's going on? Hey, a sword!" He picked up Anduril. "Wow, this is the sword that defeated Farmer Sauron and-" There was a sudden breaking sound, and Boromir cried out in surprise.

"Boromir!" Aragorn cried.

"Oops. Um, I think I broke it." Boromir quickly scurried away as fast as he could.

Elrond gathered up the broken fragments of the sword. "Well, I guess we'll have to give it to you at a later time."

"But I wanted it NOW!" Aragorn's tone was unmistakably whiny.

"Yes, well, you can't always have what you want. Now shoo!"

The nine companions of the fellowship overstayed their welcome and remained at Rivendell for a long time. Elrond and the other elves felt that it was longer than necessary. Gandalf at last decided that they had put off their journey for too long, and so they prepared to leave.

"Yeah! Get outta my house!" Elrond snarled.

"Fine then!" Gandalf wheezed. He gathered everyone outside and all of the Rivendell elves happily and gratefully watched then as they were about to leave.

Suddenly, Arwen came running outside. "Aragorn!"

"Arwen!" cried Aragorn.

"Aragorn!"

"Arwen!"

"Aragorn!"

"Arwen!"

"Get on with it already!" Boromir said impatiently.

Arwen looked at Aragorn sternly. "Are you wearing my Foilstar Pendant?"

"Um... Foilstar Pendant?"

"Yes!"

"Um, yeah! I sure am!"

"Then where is it?"

"Uh, well, you can't see it! It's covered up by all of my battle gear and stuff! So stop worrying about it."

Arwen didn't believe his excuse. "You're not wearing it!"

Aragorn pretended innocence. "Excuse me? Of course I am! If you'll just give me a moment to adjust this bow strap, I'll show you that I really do have it on!" He turned his back so that she couldn't see him hastily pulling the piece of string out of his pocket and quickly throwing it around his neck.

He turned around to face her. "See? Look!"

She slapped him. "You just now put it on!" She turned around and ran off in tears.

"Well that sure was a warm, friendly farewell," Aragorn muttered.

Legolas pointed and laughed. "You don't seem to have much luck with girls, do you?"

"Shut up, pointy ears."

Legolas turned his attention away from Aragorn and spent the next ten minutes poking Gimli in the back and blaming it on the Magical Hobs whenever Gimli turned around to angrily complain.

"Can we go now?" Boromir whined impatiently.

"Yeah, sure," Gandalf wheezed. He shoved Frodo. "Get going, Tater-Bearer!"

Frodo rubbed his shoulder. "Did you have to push me?" He took a few steps forward and then stopped to look confusedly around him. "Hey Gandalf, is Mulchdor to the left or right?"

"I dunno," the wizard shrugged. "Why don't you ask that weird guy over there?" He pointed at a Tater Wraith, who was standing off to the side.

"Mulchdor is to the left, you morons!" the Tater Wraith shouted. He looked nervously around him. "Um, yeah... I was never here." He quickly ran out of sight.

Frodo and his eight companions then left Rivendell and began their journey. Elrond shook his fist at them. "Good riddance!"

The fellowship walked around in a line all over the place, passing by grass, rocks, rivers, rocks, dilapidated supermarkets, trees, rocks, and rocks.

"Aaaaghhh!" gasped Boromir. "Shield... so ridiculously large and heavy! Can't... walk!"

Aragorn gave him a shove in the back. "Quit whining and pick up the pace a bit!"

"Well it's not my fault that this shield is so heavy!"

Legolas brought up the rear, busily brushing his hair and counting the strokes. "...ninety-five, ninety-six, ninety-seven, ninety-eight, ninety-nine, one hundred!" He did a victorious little dance. "I've brushed my hair one hundred strokes!"

Gimli glared at the elf and folded his arms. "Well I could too. I just choose not to."

Aragorn shoved Legolas in the back. "Pick up the pace, blondie!"

"Hey, blondes deserve special treatment!"

Gimli laughed. "Yep. Legolas is definitely _special_!"

Legolas whacked Gimli with his bow. "That's not what I meant!"

"Could everyone quit arguing?" Frodo begged. "My tater is trying to talk to me and you guys are being way too loud!"

Gandalf smacked Frodo. "Frodo! What have I told you about the tater?"

"Um... it is not for eating?"

"Well, yes, that too. But what else?"

"You can boil it, mash it, or stick it in a stew?"

"Frodo, be reasonable!"

"It tastes really good next to a nice piece of fried fish?"

"NO!"

"Well then _what_?"

"Frodo, if the tater tries to speak to you, you must never, ever listen!"

Frodo laughed. "Silly Gandalf! Of course I know that!"

"Well then why were you listening to the tater?"

"Actually, I was _trying_ to listen to it! So that doesn't count! Now what were you telling me again?"

Gandalf irritably bashed his staff against his own forehead. "You're hopeless, Frodo!"

"But I thought I was Center-of-Some-Planet's only hope!"

Aragorn shoved Frodo in the back. "Quit yapping and pick up the pace!"


	13. Nine Imbeciles Go South

Chapter Thirteen: Nine Imbeciles Go South

After walking, walking, and walking some more, everyone soon got rather lazy and they had to stop and rest. "Sam, make the food!" Gandalf ordered.

"Why me?" Sam complained.

"Because you know how to cook!"

"Well what about Mr. Aragorn? He can cook, make him do it!"

"Sorry, I'm too busy sitting on my lazy butt smoking," was Aragorn's excuse.

"I'm not making any stupid breakfast," Sam growled.

"Sam, do you want me to starve?" Frodo whimpered pathetically, looking up at Sam with his tragic, starving, tear-filled eyes.

Sam could never resist Frodo's pathetic looks, no matter how hard he tried. "Oh fine." He got out his frying pans and other materials and was soon cooking breakfast.

Meanwhile, Boromir grinned and said, "Come on, Magical Hobs! Let's play with swords!"

Merry and Pippin stared at him. "Eew!"

"No, wait! I mean, I want to teach you to use your swords!"

The two Hobs looked revolted. "No!"

"No, what I mean is, let's swordfight!"

"Um, okay!" said Merry. "That's sounds safe and not weird or oddly suggesting in any way!" He grabbed his sword and joined Boromir. He looked back and saw that Pippin was left behind. "Pippin?"

"What?"

"Get over here!"

"Over where?"

Merry sighed, went over to Pippin, and gave him a shove in the back. "Over there!"

"You didn't need to push me," Pippin complained. He grabbed his sword. "Now what do I do?"

"Over here!" Boromir yelled. "You stupid Magical Hobs must be trained in sword fighting!"

"Why would I want to do that?" Pippin protested.

Boromir sounded frustrated. "Just get over here!" Merry and Pippin went over towards Boromir and the three of them _attempted _at sword fighting.

Merry was doing well for the first ten seconds, but suddenly became distracted by a series of smoke rings that were floating in a line. He instantly dropped his sword and ran off to follow the smoke rings.

"Okay, that Magical Hob really has mental issues," Boromir commented. He looked at Pippin. "Actually, they've both got mental issues."

Pippin, the little fool, was holding his sword by the blade. "This metal stuff is cutting into my hand! It really hurts and I'm bleeding!"

"You're holding it the wrong way!" Boromir shouted. "Hold it by the hilt!"

"Hey, where'd Merry go?"

"Are you listening? Hold it by the handle!" Boromir was getting impatient.

"I don't really feel like it," was Pippin's reply. Boromir then became so frustrated that he gave Pippin a good solid whack with his sword.

"Ow!" said the Magical Hob. "What was that for?" He pounced on Boromir and attempted to attack, which was amusing to Boromir.

Merry, meanwhile, was still following the trail of smoke rings. He at last came to the end of the trail and found Gimli smoking his pipe.

"What do you want?" Gimli growled.

Merry's Hob eyes widened. "So that's where smoke rings come from! I feel enlightened!"

Gimli looked annoyed and rather disturbed at the same time. "Yeah, so? Where else would they come from?"

"Well one time I asked Frodo and he wouldn't tell me! And so I asked him again! And then I asked him exactly two hundred and nineteen more times! And then he told me that smoke rings come from storks! But I knew he was lying, and now I've found the truth!"

Gimli looked even more annoyed and disturbed. "Magical Hobs are definitely odd creatures..."

"Well, I'm going to go off now and further educate myself," Merry announced. "Goodbye,- wait, what's your name again?"

"Shut up and-" the last part of Gimli's reply was quite naughty.

"Okay!" said Merry. "Goodbye, Shut Up And-"

"Meriadoc! Watch your language!" Gandalf scolded, as Merry repeated Gimli's naughty comment.

Suddenly, something very strange appeared in the sky. Legolas was the first to see it. "Haha! I saw it first and you all didn't! Hahaha!"

"Shut up, elf boy!" growled Gimli.

"Well I'm proud of being an elf boy!" Legolas sniffed. He looked at the mysterious shape in the sky again. "There is stuff in the sky!"

"Yes, Legolas!" said Gandalf loudly. "We all know that there is "stuff" in the sky! Like clouds, for instance!" He made an odd cough that sounded suspiciously like "blonde".

The odd-looking shape in the sky became larger as it drew near, and Legolas screamed in terror. "A flock of scary birds! They'll turd on me and ruin my flawless hair!" He dove behind a rock.

"Oh dearie me!" cried Gandalf. "Skittleman has sent these birds as spies! EVERYBODY HIDE!" He hid behind a rock, and Gimli, Aragorn, Boromir, Sam, Frodo, Merry, and Pippin copied him.

"I'm scared, Mr. Frodo!" cried Sam.

"Sam, I am not going to sympathetically hold you!"

Sam scooted away from Frodo. "What gave you _that_ idea?"

The other Magical Hob shrugged. "I don't know. I just thought... Well, you've been giving me looks lately..." Sam made several gagging and retching noises, showing his disgust.

The birds soon flew away out of sight, and everyone came out of hiding. "I was so brave through all of that!" Legolas cried.

Gimli snickered. "You were the first one to hide!"

Legolas gave Gimli a rough shove in the back, which caused the dwarf to fall to the ground and tumble several feet.

"Well, I guess we should go over that highly dangerous and extremely lethal mountain pass now," Gandalf decided.

Everyone gathered up their things and traveled across the mountain pass of Carcass. "Why is this place called Carcass?" Frodo asked worriedly.

"Because everyone who travels through here ends up as dead carcasses," Boromir answered matter-of-factly. Frodo squealed with fright and hid behind Sam.

"Mr. Frodo, you know I'm not going to hold you," Sam said sternly.

Frodo jumped from behind his friend in alarm. "Sam! You know I'm not like that!" He was thoughtful for a moment. "You know, why do we keep getting these crazy ideas and accusing each other of these things?"

Sam shrugged. "I don't know, Mr. Frodo, but it's silly. I know you're not like that, and you know I'm not like that."

"Then let's stop this nonsense!"

"Good idea, Mr. Frodo!"

"From this moment forth, we will never again accuse each other of such outrageous things!"

"It's a deal, Mr. Frodo!" Sam clapped Frodo on the shoulder in a friendly manner. Frodo, alarmed, shrank away from his hand. "Eew, Sam! You actually touched me! I never knew you were like that!"

"Mr. Frodo! I thought we had an agreement!"

Boromir butted into their conversation. "Could you guys just be quiet for once?" The two Magical Hobs fell silent.

"Look everyone! Look at me! I can walk on top of snow!" Legolas announced haughtily. He suddenly tripped and fell. "Ouchies!"

"Let's all throw snow at the elf!" Gimli shouted. He made a gigantic snowball and hurled it at Legolas, who easily moved out of the snowball's way. "Ha! You forgot about my elvish reflexes!"

"Curse your elvish reflexes!" Gimli growled. He gathered up an even larger pile of snow. "This time you're going down, blondie!"

Frodo stood up on top of a snow-covered boulder. "I will take the tater to Mulchdor!" He looked at everyone expectantly.

Legolas and Gimli stared blankly back at him. "What was that for?" Gimli asked.

"Well, it worked last time!" Frodo said, pouting slightly. "Last time I said that, you guys stopped fighting." He jumped off of the boulder and walked beside Gandalf. "Gandalf, I'm cold."

"Well then that's your problem."

"But I'm freezing my little Hob buns off!"

Suddenly, a piercing scream of agony ripped through the air and echoed off of the mountains. Everyone covered their ears.

"What was that?" Gandalf demanded angrily.

The scream came again, and everyone looked and saw that it came from Legolas. The elf was jumping around wildly, shrieking his blonde head off. "Gi-Gi-Gimli put SNOW DOWN THE BACK OF MY SHIRT!" Gimli pointed and laughed.

Gandalf banged his staff down on a rock angrily. "Legolas! Stop screaming this instant! It could cause an avala- AAAAAAAGGGGGHHHH!"

Suddenly, a giant rush of snow came pouring down and completely buried everyone. Gandalf poked his head out of the snow. "I spoke too soon." He uncovered a whimpering, violently shivering Frodo.

"Thanks a lot, Gandalf," the Magical Hob muttered sarcastically. "You always speak too soon!"

"Well sorry!" wheezed the wizard.

The seven others all managed to get out of the snow, and the fellowship huddled together, unsure of what to do.

"Let's go to my city in Gone-Door!" Boromir suggested. "Or the Gap of Horseyland! It depends on who you would rather deal with, Sauron or Skittleman!"

"Boromir, that's a stupid idea!" Aragorn yelled.

"Well do you have a better one?"

"Well... no."

Gimli raised both his hands in the air. "Ooh, pick me! Pick me! I have an idea!"

Gandalf started to choke and gag, "Gimli, lower your arms!"

"Why?"

"JUST DO IT!"

The dwarf obeyed. "Well sorry. I didn't know my body odor was _that_ bad. Anyway, I think that we should go into the Mines of Moron!"

"Gimli, that's a stupid idea!" Aragorn yelled.

"Have you got a better one?"

Aragorn hung his head. "No."

Gandalf sighed. "The Mines of Moron it is, then."

* * *

Be sure to kindly press the Review button on your way out!


	14. The Mines of Moron

Chapter Fourteen: The Mines of Moron

The fellowship made it through the pass of Carcass alive and well and soon arrived outside of the Mines of Moron. "Isn't it great?" Gimli cried excitedly.

"No," muttered Legolas.

Sam looked at the walls of Moron with awe. "There's an eye opener and no mistake!"

"The dwarves are so stupid that they make invisible doors!" Gimli announced.

"Haha! Stupid dwarves!" laughed Legolas. Gimli put his hand on his axe and growled. Legolas suddenly looked rather frightened. "Gimli, were you growling because you're angry or because you find me attractive?"

Gandalf went over to the invisible doors, which were now brightly lit with the moon's light. "Stupid doors! I can't get them to open! Hey, I have an idea..." he grabbed Pippin and bashed his head against the doors.

"Ow... I think I have a concussion..." moaned Pippin. He spun around in a circle and fell over.

Gandalf shrugged. "Well it was worth a try!"

"My cousin Balin and all the other dwarves will let us in!" Gimli announced. "Just wait and see!"

And so the fellowship camped out in front of the walls, and waited there an entire day and night. There was no sign of any dwarves.

"Don't worry!" said Gimli. "They'll come soon."

"Sam, your pony smells," Aragorn complained.

"I wouldn't talk, Mr. Strider. At least Bill bathes more than you do!" argued Sam.

"Well Bill has to leave, he's eating up all the food!"

"But what about the baggage Bill's carrying?" Sam asked. "Where will that go?"

"Oh, we'll just make you carry it."

"But I'm already carrying about five hundred pounds of stuff!"

"Well you'll just have to carry more!" Aragorn took Bill the pony's cargo and piled it all on Sam. "Eep!" Sam staggered forward a few feet and fell over in a heap.

"So long, suckers!" screamed Bill the pony. He threw off his saddle and rode far, far away.

The fellowship spent their second night outside of the mines. Morning arrived, and then late afternoon, and still no dwarves.

Gimli laughed. "Uh... they'll realize we're here eventually."

And so the fellowship waited five more days, and the dwarves still did not come.

"Relax everyone, they'll be here!" Gimli said.

Aragorn smacked him. "The dwarves are NOT coming, Gimli! What part of that do you not understand?"

Gandalf decided to take matters into his own hands, and made several pathetic attempts to open up the doors. Sadly, every single one of his attempts failed.

After trying for what seemed like the five hundredth time, the wizard started to throw a major fit. "I CAN'T OPEN THE STUPID FREAKIN' DOORS!"

"Here, let me help you," said a voice. The Watcher in the Water slid out of the water, broke down the doors, and disappeared.

Sam stared at the heap of broken rubble and stone that had once been part of the walls. "There's an eye opener and no mistake!"

"Wow," wheezed Gandalf. "Now that was weird." He went into the mines and was followed by his eight reluctant companions.

Gimli was highly excited. "This place is the best! They've got roaring fires!"

"Ooh..." oohed Legolas.

"Other stuff!"

"Ahh..." ahhed Legolas.

"Malt beer!"

Legolas' elven ears perked up. "Malt beer, did you say?"

"Yep." Gimli looked surprised. "Legolas, I never knew you liked beer."

The elf began to blush. "Actually, I've never tasted it. But its mysteriousness greatly intrigues me!"

"Legolas, you're a moron," Gimli commented. "Now where was I?"

"You were listing all of the wonderful things that the dwarves have to offer."

"Oh yeah. Anyway, they've got the fire, and the beer, and red meat off the bone!"

"Eew!" squealed Legolas.

Gimli looked confused. "What? That's what we eat."

"Well it's disgusting," said Legolas. "Red meat is bad for you!"

"Well we dwarves don't think it is! Now I wonder where we can find Balin..."

"Hey Gimli!" yelled Boromir. "What's with all the dead dwarves laying around?"

Gimli looked wildly around him and saw that the mines were littered with piles of dwarf corpses. "NOOOOOOOOO! Now I'll never feel the warmth of a roaring fire!"

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Legolas. "Now I'll never get to taste beer!" Everyone looked at Legolas oddly. The elf shrugged and ignored them.

"Well at least that explains why we were left outside for a week," Gandalf commented. "Well, we'd better keep going." He carefully stepped over the dwarf carcasses and led the others up several flights of stairs.

"When I climb these stairs I look oddly like Thingum!" said Frodo.

"There's an eye opener and no mistake!" gasped Sam.

As they completed the last flight of stairs, Gandalf suddenly stopped walking and got a confused look on his face. "For some reason, I have suddenly become hopelessly and irrationally lost!"

"You idiotic old man!" yelled Aragorn.

"Well I have temporary memory loss! It's not my fault!" Gandalf sat down on a rock. "The only thing left to do is... sit around and do nothing!"

The others shrugged and sat down. "Sounds like a plan!"

Suddenly, a hideous voice began to sing, "Tom Bomb-to-kill is so JUICY SWEEEEET! Our only wish, to catch a Tom, so JUICY SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!"

Frodo put his hands over his ears. "What in the world is making those awful sounds?"

"Oh that's just Thingum," wheezed Gandalf. "He's been following us for days, singing that stupid song of his that doesn't even rhyme."

"So juicy sweeeeeeeeet...!" sang Thingum's voice.

"Oh shaddup!" yelled Frodo. He picked up a rock and flung it at Thingum. The rock bounced off and hit Gandalf in the head.

The wizard rubbed his aching head and exclaimed, "Hey, I'm remembering things again! That hit on the head must have regenerated my memory!"

He led the fellowship through some halls, stairs, pits, and some more halls, until they ended up in a big area that was filled with an unpleasant odor.

"It's beautiful!" cried Gimli.

"It smells," said Aragorn.

"I can fix that!" said Legolas. He took a can of flowery scented air freshener out of his pocket and sprayed it all over the place.

Aragorn took a whiff of the air. "Eew, that spray stuff smells really weird!"

"Well so do you!" said Legolas. He sprayed Aragorn with the air freshener.

"AAAARRRGGGHHH!" screamed Aragorn. "The terrible aroma of... CLEANLINESS!" He fell to the ground and started writhing around, trying to get the scent off of him.

"There's an eye opener and no mistake," commented Sam.

Boromir kicked Aragorn in the ribs. "Get up, you moron."

Aragorn got to his feet and the fellowship continued walking until they stumbled into a large room that had a tomb right in the middle of the floor.

Gandalf looked at the tomb. "Hmm... it says: Here lieth Balin son of Fundin, dead of food poisoning."

"Ha, I told you that red meat off the bone is bad!" said Legolas. "It killed that Balin guy!" Gimli chose to ignore him.

"Well, now I'm going to bore you all to death by reading this incredibly stupid dwarf book!" wheezed Gandalf. He grabbed the book and in doing so, half the pages fell out of it.

"Hey! You break it, you buy it!" said the voice of a Spork.

"Whatever," Gandalf wheezed. He opened up the book and droned on and on and on, until nearly every member of the fellowship had fallen asleep.

Pippin luckily had a rather short attention span, and was unaffected by Gandalf's droning. He looked around at the others, who were all sprawled on the ground sleeping. "It is up to me to break the boredom!" he announced. He spotted a skeleton and threw it down a well.

Suddenly, there was a series of noises that were loud enough to wake a dwarf in a heavily drunken stupor. The fellowship immediately jumped awake, and Gandalf dropped the dwarf book.

"There's an eye opener and no mistake!" yelled Sam, jumping up and down.

"Sam, you really need to stop saying that!" said Frodo. "And what are you so excited about?"

"Well, Mr. Frodo, your butter knife's glowing."

Frodo looked down at his pathetic plastic knife, saw that it was glowing a bright blue, and shrugged. "So?"

Suddenly, the grunts and snarls of many Sporks could be heard. Gandalf sighed. "Why does this always have to happen?"


	15. The Bridge of KhazadDumb

Chapter Fifteen: The Bridge Of Khazad-Dumb

A horde of armed Sporks burst into the room, followed by a rather dimwitted cave troll. The Sporks and the fellowship engaged in an incredibly violent battle, and the troll just stood around.

Frodo ran around in a circle. "Gandalf? Gandalf?"

The troll spotted Frodo and thought that he looked as cuddly and squeezable as a small stuffed animal. He reached over and grabbed the Magical Hob.

"AAAAGGGHHH!" screamed Frodo. "HELP ME!"

"I'll save you!" cried Aragorn. He began to run towards the troll, and suddenly tripped and fell. "Um, re-do!" he got back on his feet. "I'll save you!" He ran towards the troll and snatched Frodo. The troll burst into tears.

"Yippee!" cried Frodo. He then noticed a terrible smell and realized that it came from Aragorn. He quickly sprang out of his grasp and stepped back several paces. "What a filthy Ranger."

"This is no mere Ranger!" Legolas yelled. "He is-"

"Yeah, yeah, shut up!" everyone yelled.

"You're just jealous because I'm the prettiest and I know everything!" sniffed Legolas.

The troll was hurt and angry. The cuddly little plush toy had been stolen from his clutches. He wanted the adorable little creature back.

He looked around the room and soon spotted Frodo. He hurried over to the Magical Hob as fast as he could and yelled out a series of grunting sounds that in troll language meant, "I want to be your best friend forever."

Frodo did not understand troll language and was terrified out of his wits.

The troll picked up a spear and waved it in the air, frightening Frodo even more. He made some more grunting noises, which translated into, "We can play my favorite spear game!"

Frodo fell down in a horrified heap. "Get away from me!"

Aragorn once again decided to play the hero. He just loved impressing people and making himself look good. He put on a burst of speed and tackled the troll from behind. The troll fell forward, his spear embedding itself in Frodo.

Frodo wriggled out from under the troll. "Hey, my ladies lingerie saved my life!"

"Lingerie? Why the heck are you wearing that stuff?" Gimli asked. "Wait, never mind. I don't want to know."

Pippin decided that he could be more of a hero than that stuck-up Aragorn. And jumping on trolls sounded like a fun game. He leaped onto the troll's back. The troll did not notice a thing.

"Um... a little help here?" said Pippin. He had become incredibly confused.

"I'll help!" screamed Merry. He jumped onto the troll. "FOR BOB THE APPLE!"

"I thought this was all supposed to be for Frodo!" wheezed Gandalf.

Merry shrugged. "Um... whatever. Bob's important too!"

"No he's not!" Gandalf yelled.

"Yes he is! He's more important than Frodo! Frodo doesn't do anything!"

"Neither does Bob! He's just a stupid apple!"

"_Just a stupid apple?_" Merry was insulted now. "I'll show you, old man!" He took Bob the apple out of his pocket and hurled it at the troll that he stood on.

The troll started to cry. "Nobody likes me!" He grabbed Merry and Pippin and threw them across the room.

Pippin immediately sprang to his feet. "Let's do that again!"

Merry, however, was in a state of distress. "Where'd Bob go?"

"Who's Bob?" Sam asked.

"Who are you?" Merry asked. Sam walked away.

Legolas was also in a distressed mood. "Eew! This room is surrounding me with its terrible odor! Hey, I have an idea!" The elf took out his trusty can of air freshener and sprayed it around the room.

The troll happened to be allergic to air freshener. He had a series of severe allergic reactions, and then fell over dead.

"Um... heh heh," laughed Legolas.

"Show-off," everyone muttered.

"Come on, you guys! We have to get out of here!" yelled Gandalf.

"But I haven't found Bob yet!" Merry argued.

"NOBODY CARES ABOUT STUPID BOB! NOW COME ON!"

Everyone quickly rushed out of the room and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran until they had to pause for breath. Five and a half seconds later, they began running some more.

Suddenly, an awful, terrifying, menacing sound could be heard from a distance. "EH-OH!"

Boromir started to shake with fear. "What in the world was _that_?"

Gandalf's voice was filled with utmost dread. "_A Teletubby_," he whispered.

"No!" gasped Aragorn. "It can't be!"

"It is," wheezed Gandalf. "We must get across the Bridge of Khazad-Dumb as soon as possible! Follow me!" And so everybody ran for dear life, until they came across a bridge. As soon as they set foot on it, the bridge began to break apart.

"Sam, this is your fault!" said Aragorn.

"Hey, I'm not _that_ heavy!" cried the offended Sam.

"Well then it's Gimli's fault!" Legolas suggested.

"Oh yeah, everybody go and blame the dwarf," Gimli sighed.

"Oh, quit arguing, you guys," said Gandalf. "I know deep down, you really love each other."

"Eek!" cried Legolas and Gimli in alarm. They quickly sprang several feet away from each other.

While all of this was happening, the evil Teletubby was advancing closer. "Eh-oh! Want tubby custard! Again again! Again again!"

"AAARRRGGHH!" Gandalf screamed in distress. "Quick! Jump across the broken parts of the bridge!"

"Ooh, me first! Me first!" cried Legolas. He made a perfect, flawless jump and made it safely across with a perfect landing.

"Show-off!" wheezed Gandalf. He successfully jumped across. "Ha! I'm as good as you are!"

Boromir grabbed Merry and Pippin, about to jump across. Merry tried to wriggle out of his grasp. "I can't leave Bob the apple behind! He's back there somewhere, alone and in danger!"

"Forget the stupid apple!" snarled Boromir. He and the two Magical Hobs made it safely across.

Aragorn made an attempt to pick up Sam, but it proved to be a bit of a challenge. "Ow! My arms! My aching arms!" Somehow, he at last managed to find enough strength, and he hurled Sam to the other side. "What a drama-queen," Sam muttered.

Gimli jumped, made it across, and stumbled towards the edge. Dwarves were notoriously clumsy. Legolas decided to actually be helpful for once in his life and grabbed Gimli by the beard.

Gimli made it to safety and yelled, "Hey, don't do that!"

"Do what?" asked the elf.

"Grab me by the beard!"

"Why not?"

"Go ahead and look."

Legolas then saw that he was holding Gimli's beard in his hand. "Um, oops." Gimli snatched back his beard, licked it, and stuck it back on his face.

Aragorn and Frodo were still on the other side of the bridge. After about twenty-four minutes and seventy-one seconds, they finally made it across.

"Okay everyone!" yelled Gandalf. "Now it is time to run around like chickens on hyper pills!" And they ran for their very lives, until they got to another bridge. The dreaded Teletubby was close behind. Everyone made it across the bridge except Gandalf.

"Save yourselves!" Gandalf wheezed. "Spare yourselves from the sight of this hideous monster!"

The Teletubby waddled towards Gandalf. It wielded a red scooter in one hand, and a red purse in the other. "Scooter! Scooter! Bag! Bag!"

"Back away, you fiend!" cried Gandalf. "You'll never corrupt me!" He blasted some light out of his staff and it hit the Teletubby in the face.

The horrible creature seemed delighted, however. "Ooooooh! Again again!"

Just when Gandalf was about to give up hope, a miracle happened. Suddenly, a disembodied voice shouted out, "Time for Tubby bye-bye! Time for Tubby bye-bye!"

The Teletubby appeared upset. "Aww!" It then giggled, shouted, "Buh-bye!" and jumped down into the gigantic chasm.

"Well, no sad loss there," wheezed Gandalf. He turned around, and the movement of his body caused a coin to fall out of the pocket of his robes and into the chasm.

"NO!" cried Gandalf in despair. "MY SHINY!" He jumped over the edge and dove down into the chasm. "Oh fudge! What did I do? AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!"

"What an idiot," said Boromir.

"Mr. Boromir!" cried Sam in shock. "How dare you say such a thing!"

Suddenly, Frodo let out a long, loud scream. In fact, the scream was so long that lasted exactly thirty-three minutes and fourteen seconds.

"Holy cabbages, Mr. Frodo!" cried Sam. "You can really hold a note!"


	16. Ooooh Pretty

Chapter Sixteen: Ooooh Pretty

After the loss of Gandalf, the fellowship managed to make it out of the mines without being harmed or bothered, as Legolas continued to make good use of his air freshener.

Everybody stumbled out of the mines and ended up outside, where they collapsed and cried enough tears to flush Skittleman out of his tree-house.

Aragorn and Legolas were the only ones who were not affected. Aragorn was unaffected simply because he was arrogant and insensitive, and Legolas was untouched because crying would redden his gorgeous eyes and make streaks on his face.

Aragorn was getting impatient with everyone sitting around, and so he yelled, "Hey Legolas! Help everyone get up!" Legolas, however, was too busy dancing around singing to himself in Elvish, and did not hear Aragorn.

"Elves," the Ranger muttered. He decided that he would be the one to help everyone up, and so he grabbed Sam by the arms and attempted to pull him up. "AAARRRGGHH! MY BACK! I THREW OUT MY BACK!"

"I'm not _THAT_ heavy!" Sam snapped irritably.

"That's what you always say!" muttered Aragorn, rubbing his sore back and arm muscles. "Forget helping people! There's nothing but pain involved! Now where'd Frodo get off to?"

Frodo suddenly popped out of a bush and waved at Aragorn. "I'm right here!"

"Well what are you doing?"

"I'm making water!" the Magical Hob replied cheerfully.

"Frodo, I didn't need to know that! Now hurry up and get over here! We're leaving!"

Five minutes later, Frodo scurried out of the bush and everybody left the area. They traveled on and on into a rather creepy and menacing looking forest.

"Who wants me to sing about a pretty river?" Legolas asked excitedly. There was silence. "You guys are no fun! And I'm going to sing anyway!"

The elf opened his mouth, but before he could begin his song about the river, another voice came out of nowhere.

"Nimrodel is nice and swell, so juicy sweeeeeeeeeeet!"

"Hey! _I'm_ supposed to sing about the Nimrodel river!" Legolas yelled angrily.

"That voice sounded horribly familiar," Frodo commented.

"That's because it was Thingum, Mr. Frodo," Sam informed him. "He's been following us again! I've been smelling his awful scent for days!"

"How do you know that wasn't Aragorn you've been smelling?"

"Trust me, Mr. Frodo. Aragorn and Thingum have very different smells."

"Whatever you say, Sam."

As the fellowship advanced farther into the forest, things became more and more menacing. Gimli started to laugh. "Stupid forest! It doesn't scare me!" Suddenly, an arrow came out of nowhere and poked the dwarf in the buttocks. Gimli shrieked aloud like a little girl and hid behind Legolas.

There was a burst of laughter, and everyone turned around and saw a group of elves. "Hi there! I'm Haldir!" said Haldir. "Welcome to the Land of Ooooh Pretty!"

"Ooooh, pretty!" gasped Frodo, as he looked around at the forest.

"Yes," said Haldir. "The Land of Ooooh Pretty, home of the amazing transgender elves!"

"Oh my gosh, he's right!" cried Boromir. "Is that one elf male or female? And what about that one? Or that other one? I'm so confused!"

"We will not harm you," Haldir said. He pointed at two other elves. "These are my sisters- er, I mean my brothers, Rumil and Orophin."

"And I thought that dwarves had gender identity issues," muttered Gimli.

"We have to take you to our leaders," Haldir said. "And the dwarf has to be blindfolded."

Gimli was outraged. "What?"

Haldir shrugged. "It's the rules. You have to be blindfolded so you don't steal our beauty secrets." He took a hot pink blindfold out of his pocket and tied it around Gimli's eyes. "And now we get to laugh at you every time you stumble and trip!"

After the Mines of Moron, Legolas had suddenly become rather attached to Gimli, and gladly offered him his sympathy. "I'm sorry you have to go through with this, Gimli." He put a sympathetic hand on the dwarf's shoulder. "Don't worry. At least take some comfort in knowing that I won't laugh too loudly if you trip and fall!"

And so Haldir and his brothers led the fellowship through the Land of Ooooh Pretty. By the time they reached Celeborn and Galadriel, Gimli had tripped a total of fifty-two times, and had fallen exactly seventeen times.

They arrived at their destination, and Haldir ripped the hot pink blindfold off of Gimli's eyes. Celeborn and Galadriel, who wore the latest styles in shiny fashion, approached the fellowship.

"Hey, where's Gandalf?" Celeborn asked. "I wanted to consult him on what to do about my lousy hairdresser!"

Legolas stepped forward. "Oh, that old fart's dead! But I know what you can do! You can replace your lousy hairdresser with... me!" He flipped his hair for emphasis.

Unfortunately, Boromir was standing directly behind him and the elf's hair hit him full in the face. "AAH! My eye!"

Galadriel, meanwhile, was busy talking in people's heads. _"Hey Boromir!"_

Boromir was extremely confused and looked wildly around him. "Huh? Who said that?"

"_The same voices that made your father the mental case that he is!"_

"NOOOOO!" cried Boromir in distress. "I'm hearing the voices! Now I'll go crazy just like father!" he burst into tears and ran out of sight.

Galadriel tried not to laugh. _"Hello, Samwise! Those pants make you look fat!"_

Sam looked upset. "Do they really?" Poor Sam.

Legolas shushed him. "Quiet, Sam! I'm busy discussing hairdressing!" he then went back to being deep in discussion with Celeborn.

Galadriel turned her attentions to Frodo. _"Welcome, Frodo of the Pretty Green Secluded Area. Sam has had a secret crush on you for several years."_

Frodo's eyes filled with tears. "And all this time, I thought he was never like that! WHY?"

_"Hahaha! I was joking, Frodo. Actually, Sam has had a secret crush on Rosie Cotton for several years."_

Frodo looked at Sam and smirked. "Oh really? Finally I've got some information I could use against him, if the occasion ever called for that."

_"That isn't nice, Frodo. I'm not talking to you anymore."_ She got out of Frodo's mind, looked around for her next target, and got a brilliant idea when her eyes landed on a certain someone. This would be the ultimate joke.

She entered Gimli's mind and drawled, _"Hey, sexy!"_

Gimli was suddenly alert. "Who said that? Was that Galadriel?"

_"Large, hairy beards are really a turn-on, you know."_

The dwarf's eyes filled with happy tears. "Someone out there finds me attractive!" He got down on his knees in front of Galadriel and looked up at her adoringly. "So, um, do you want to meet me behind that giant tree at midnight?"

Galadriel looked down at him in disgust. "Silence, dwarf. Go crawl in a hole and die."

Gimli began to sob. "She doesn't like me after all!"

Galadriel soon grew bored with mind-speaking, and she dismissed the fellowship. "You're all free to go now! You can sleep in a giant hollowed-out tree that's infested with families of rabid rodents!"

* * *

My motivation is powered by reviews! Keep that in mind.


	17. Rather Disturbing Images

Chapter Seventeen: Rather Disturbing Images

That night, everyone was gathered around their little tree-dwelling. Legolas happened to be wearing a very odd looking, sparkly, white outfit.

"Hey Legolas, isn't that one of Galadriel's dresses?" Merry asked.

Legolas put a finger to his lips. "Shh! Don't say that out loud!"

"I'm telling!" said the Magical Hob.

"Merry, if you tell her, then I'll abduct all of your little inanimate object friends and rip them to pieces!"

Merry shrugged. "Go ahead. I'm not really friends with them anymore, because they made fun of me and said I was crazy! Except Bob. He was my friend up until the moment he died!" He started to tear up at the memory of Bob the apple's death.

Legolas look frightened. "You really are _crazy_!"

Merry brightened up. "Really? Thanks, I try my best to give that impression!"

"Ooookaaaay. Now I'm just confused." Legolas walked over to his things and picked up a shiny, silver jug.

"Legolas, what's that thing?" Gimli asked.

Legolas, startled, quickly hid the jug behind his back. "I don't know what you're talking about!"

"Where did that jug come from?"

Legolas looked nervously, and then beckoned Gimli to him. "Promise me you won't tell anyone!" The dwarf made his promise, and Legolas said, "I took this jug from Galadriel's things! Isn't that funny?"

"I guess," Gimli said. "What are you going to do with it?"

The elf looked embarrassed. "Well, um... it makes a really good chamber pot!"

"Eew!" cried Gimli.

Suddenly, Sam stood on top of a tree stump, waved his arms in the air, and announced, "Random poetry time!"

Frodo clapped his hands over his ears. "No! Not the poetry! Anything but that!"

"You don't like my poetry?" Sam cried. "Well in that case, I'll say it on purpose just to irritate you!" he cleared his throat and said:

"One Thingum, two Thingum

Red Thingum, blue Thingum

I am Sam

Sam I am

Fireworks are pretty colors

And their colors are pretty

I wish I could be a firework."

Sam took a deep bow. "That was my best poem yet!"

Aragorn picked up his pillow and threw it at Sam. "That poetry was absolutely terrible! I feel insulted by it! I wouldn't even call that poetry!"

Sam looked about to cry. "I thought it was beautiful!"

Frodo tried to comfort his friend. "Um, actually it wasn't half bad, Sam. Aragorn's just a mean jerk who doesn't bathe or know what he's talking about."

Aragorn was offended. "Hey! What does my lack of bathing have to do with anything?"

"Aragorn, be quiet and go to sleep!" Boromir yelled.

"Fine," Aragorn grumbled. He was soon asleep, along with the rest of the fellowship.

Everyone was sleeping peacefully, except for Frodo. He lay awake, tossing and turning, and trying to not to gag from the smell of Gimli farting in his sleep. He at last decided to get up and wander around.

He crawled out of his blankets, but as soon as he took ten steps, a figure popped out of nowhere and yelled, "YOU...SHALL NOT...PASS!"

Frodo stared at the person in front of him. "Haldir? You'll wake everyone up if you shout like that!"

"No I won't!" Haldir pointed at Frodo's companions, who were all still fast asleep.

"Wow," Frodo said. "That's really kind of creepy. What are you doing here?"

Haldir shrugged. "I'm a security guard?"

"No you're not."

"I know." The elf sighed. "But I wish I was! It's my life-long dream!"

"Well, uh, am I free to walk through here?"

"Sure! I don't care!" And Haldir walked off, whistling to himself. Frodo decided to go for a short walk, and that was what he did. He suddenly came upon Galadriel, who was furiously scrubbing at the inside of a silver jug. She caught sight of Frodo. "Go to bed, shorty!"

"But I can't sleep. What are you doing?"

"Your stupid elf companion used my jug as a... well, as a chamber pot. And now I have to clean it out!"

Frodo looked disturbed. "Oh." He suddenly caught sight of something strange that looked like a bird bath. "Hey, what's this thing? Is it one of those wishing well things?" He pulled out a coin and tossed it into the water.

Galadriel suddenly threw a major tantrum and started to scream at Frodo. "YOU FOOL! DO NOT DISTURB THE WATER!"

"Aaaagghh!" squealed Frodo in terror. "You're scary!" He hid behind a large bush and started to cry.

Galadriel stopped screaming and went back to normal. "Frodo? Frodo, come out of there!"

"No! I'm scared!"

"Frodo, I didn't mean to! You can come out now!"

The Magical Hob wiped away his frightened tears and reluctantly came out of hiding. Suddenly, something popped out of the bushes brandishing a sword. "I'M HERE, MR. FRODOOO!"

Frodo stared at Sam. "Sam, I'm all right now!"

"Well I heard your cries of distress, Mr. Frodo, and I came to rescue you!"

"Frodo's okay," Galadriel said. "Hey, do you guys want to look in my magical mirror?"

"You mean that thing with the water that I disturbed?" Frodo said.

"Yes. Now go and take a look inside." She shoved Frodo over to the mirror, and the Magical Hob looked into the water. He shuddered with fear. "I see Legolas, and he's taken over the world and corrupted everyone with beauty products!"

"No!" gasped Galadriel. "It has to be a lie!"

Frodo continued to look in the mirror. "And now I see Gimli! He's in the Shire, and he's raising his arms, causing Magical Hobs to die from his body odor!"

"NOOO!" cried Sam in distress.

As Frodo continued to look, the more disturbing the images became. He at last became bored and stepped away from the mirror.

"Ooh, I want a turn!" Sam said. "Can I have a turn?"

Galadriel shrugged. "Okay."

"Yippee!" Sam eagerly ran over to the mirror and looked into its water. At first he could see nothing but the stars reflected in it. Five minutes passed. He could still see nothing. Fifteen minutes passed. Not a single image.

"What do you see, Sam?" Frodo asked.

"All I can see is a bunch of stupid stars!" Sam yelled. He lost his temper and kicked the mirror. "Ow, my foot!" The mirror teetered from side to side and splashed Sam with water. "Stupid cheap mirror!"

"Yeah, you're right," Galadriel agreed. "I bought it from some dwarves, and you can never trust dwarf products!"

"Hey!" cried Gimli. "I'm insulted! Ahh, the power of love!"

"Gimli, I'm not insulting you out of love!" Galadriel insisted. "I really truly dislike dwarves and their craftsmanship!"

Gimli laughed. "Sure. Woman always deny it!" He ran away, still laughing.

Galadriel sighed. "Well, you Magical Hobs had better go back to bed. Oh, and Legolas stole one of my sparkly dresses along with that jug! So make sure you yell at him for me in the morning."

"Um, okay," said Frodo. He and Sam left Galadriel and went back to bed.


	18. Cheap Gifts

Chapter Eighteen: Cheap Gifts

The next day, the fellowship decided that they had stayed long enough, and decided to leave the Land of Ooooh Pretty.

"Your decision is wise!" Haldir told them. "Because we absolutely hate visitors!"

"You can say that again," said Gimli, remembering the hot pink blindfold.

"Before you guys leave, we have to give away a bunch of useless gifts," Celeborn announced. "Some of these gifts are actually crappy birthday presents that we've been dying to get rid of."

"Well that's nice," said Aragorn sarcastically.

Celeborn held out several objects that appeared to somewhat resemble articles of clothing. "Take these lousy cloaks that we stole from some hobos."

Everyone reluctantly accepted a 'cloak'. "Er... thanks."

"These cloaks are so ugly that no one can stand to look at them. Therefore, nobody will be able to see you," Celeborn explained. "And you may also take these cheap, bad-quality boats with the peeling paint and broken oars."

Galadriel popped up out of nowhere. "And now for my gifts! Here, you insult to all elven beings! Take this bow!" She handed the weapon to Legolas.

"Ooh, it's pretty!" gasped Legolas. For the next five minutes or so, he then attempted to arrange it into his hair.

Galadriel sighed. "Legolas, it's not _that_ kind of bow! It's a weapon, not a hair ornament!"

Legolas took the bow off of his head. "Oh."

"What a blonde," Galadriel muttered under her breath.

"Can I leave now?" Legolas asked.

"No. First I must warn you of something. Legolas, BEWARE OF THE SEEEEEAAAAAAA! BEWARE!"

"Why?"

Galadriel shrugged. "I dunno. You could drown. Or maybe you're allergic to salt. Or maybe your eyes will get pecked out by seagulls. Use your imagination."

Legolas walked away looking frightened out of his wits. Merry and Pippin then approached Galadriel to receive their gifts.

"Here you go, Magical Hobs! Take these daggers! Which is pretty pointless, since you're just going to lose them anyway!" She handed them the daggers. "And, uh, make sure you don't accidentally stab yourselves with them."

Merry's dagger was dangerously close to Pippin's arm, and he quickly withdrew it.

"Or accidentally stab each other," Galadriel added. "Oh, by the way. Pippin, watch out for unexpected bravery. I don't know why, but just do it."

Pippin was a little disturbed. "What the heck?"

The elf shrugged. "I don't know. Now be off with you!" Merry and Pippin were soon replaced with Sam, who was acting humble as usual.

"Um... um... um..."

"Spit it out already!"

"Um, Mrs. Galadriel, c-can I have a nice sh-shiny dagger? Pleeeaaase?"

"No. And don't call me Mrs. Galadriel."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"_NO!_"

"Well then what do I get?" Sam asked.

"Here, you can have this Box O' Dirt, and this cheap defective rope that's probably been rotting in someone's garbage heap for an age and a half."

Sam happily took his gifts. "It's all so beautiful!"

The next person to receive a gift was Gimli. He gazed up at her with adoring, love-struck eyes. Galadriel tried her hardest to ignore the look on his face. "What do you want, you dwarf?"

"Will you marry me?"

"No! Are you crazy?"

"Yes!" Gimli cried. "Crazy with love!"

"Just hurry up and tell me what you want. I couldn't think of a gift for you, so you're going to have to pick what it is."

Gimli thought hard. "Can I have three hairs from your head?"

"Um, sure. I'll, uh, be right back!" Galadriel ran off, snuck up behind Legolas, and yanked three hairs out of his head. Before anyone noticed what had happened, she quickly ran back to Gimli.

"My head aches really bad," Legolas moaned. "I wonder what happened..."

"Here, Gimli," said Galadriel, tossing the hairs at him. The dwarf hugged the three hairs affectionately. "I'll treasure them always!"

"Yes, now go away."

"Are you sure you won't marry me?"

"Yes! Now go!" Gimli shuffled away, leaving Aragorn next in line. Galadriel held her nose, not wanting to breathe in his terrible odor. "Aragorn, you can't marry my granddaughter. I don't her associating with someone who smells like a cattle rancher!"

"I can too marry her!" Aragorn protested. "But first I have to bathe. And I can't bathe until I become king. Which means I can't marry her just yet because I'm not allowed to bathe yet."

"Well hurry up and become king as soon as possible. Everyone's tired of smelling you."

"Alright, alright. Can I have a gift?"

"No."

Aragorn looked upset. "No? But why?"

"Oh fine." Galadriel disappeared for a few moments and returned carrying a flea collar. She thrust it at him. "You could definitely use this."

"Hey!" cried Aragorn, insulted.

"Take it or leave it!"

Aragorn grabbed the flea collar, put it around his neck, and walked off grumbling to himself. Two minutes later, Frodo popped out of a bush. "Can I have my gift?"

"Yes, Frodo. Here, this is the Magic Knickknack." She handed him a piece of unidentifiable blue material that was an equally unidentifiable shape.

Frodo stared at the ugly object. "What does it do?"

"The Magical Knickknack can do lots of things." She was unable to think up any examples.

"Like what?" Frodo asked.

"Um... it helps prevent heart disease in young squirrels! And it is a full serving of the five food groups. And, uh, it lights up whenever you're afraid of the dark."

"Er, okay. Sounds interesting." The Magical Hob's words did not match his bored tone. "I'll be leaving now." He walked away.

"Well, I'm glad that's over and done with," Galadriel said to herself. She turned around and started to walk away. Suddenly, Boromir came running after her, yelling, "HEY! WHAT ABOUT ME?"

"Was someone talking?" Galadriel said. She paused to listen for a moment and then continued walking. "I guess I was imagining things."

"You forgot to give me a gift!" cried Boromir in distress.

"Darn those imaginary voices!" said Galadriel. She disappeared from sight.

Boromir sank to his knees and began to cry and sob loudly. "I'm so unloved!"

"Be quiet, you whiner," said Aragorn. He grabbed Boromir by the arms and hauled him into one of the boats.

"I love lembas bread!" Legolas announced. He started to dance around tossing lembas in the air. "Who wants me to sing a lembas bread song?"

"Get in your boat, elfie!" Aragorn snarled.

Legolas crawled into his boat, but began singing a lembas bread song under his breath until Gimli shushed him. Once everyone was in their boats, the fellowship set off down the river.


	19. The Fellowship Cracks into a Million Bit...

Thank you for your reviews, everyone! This is the last chapter! Oh no!

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Chapter Nineteen: The Fellowship Cracks into a Million Bite-Sized Pieces

As the fellowship paddled down the river, a couple of very odd events occurred. Sam looked out at the water, gasped loudly, and cried, "Look! A log with eyes!"

"You moron!" said Boromir. "It's a floating turd! I bet Gimli did it."

"Hey! I did not!" Gimli protested.

"YOU WOULD DIE BEFORE YOUR STROKE FELL!" Legolas suddenly yelled at Boromir. Everyone looked at him funny. "What? What did I do wrong?"

The mysterious "log with eyes", or "floating turd", happened to be Thingum swimming after the fellowship. "Idiots..." he muttered. "How dare they calls us a turd." He sniffed himself. "Though we does smell kind of like one..."

Everyone then decided to stop for a rest. "Why are we stopping?" Boromir asked in frustration.

"Because I'm tired!" Frodo whined pathetically. He pretended to collapse on the ground for emphasis.

"Well can we get going now?" Legolas asked.

"Yeah, before Gimli lets a load off in the river again," Boromir muttered.

"I told you, that wasn't me!" Gimli said angrily.

And so everybody got back into their boats and paddled and paddled and paddled for several hours until they found a good piece of land to stop at.

Frodo eagerly jumped out of his boat. "It's about time we've stopped! I've been having to make water for hours!" He dashed off.

Legolas started to have a seizure. "SOMETHING DRAWS NEAR! I CAN FEEL IT!"

Aragorn knocked Legolas unconscious. "Somebody explain to me again why we brought the elf along!"

Gimli shrugged. "Wasn't my idea."

A couple of hours later, Aragorn realized something very strange. "You know what? Frodo and Boromir have been gone for a really long time."

Sam leaped to his feet in alarm. "OH MY GOSH! MR. FRODOOOOO!"

"Calm down, Sam!" yelled Aragorn. "You'll give yourself a heart attack!"

Legolas started to giggle. "Frodo and Boromir off in the woods together!" He was soon rolling on the ground, laughing his blonde head off.

Aragorn kicked him. "That is absolutely disgusting, and I forbid you to say anything like that out loud ever again!" Legolas finally ceased his crazed laughter and promised he would never speak like that again.

Meanwhile, Frodo popped out of a bush, which was something that he seemed to do quite often. "Ahh... relief. I've been holding that in so long I thought I'd explode."

Suddenly, Boromir popped out from behind a tree and screamed, "BOOOO!"

Frodo just stood there and stared at him. "That didn't scare me one bit, I hope you know."

"It didn't?" Boromir looked disappointed. "Well, that's not what I'm here for anyway."

"What are you here for then?"

"Well, um, Frodo? Could I ask you something?" Frodo nodded his head. "It isn't easy to say this, but, well... I'm kind of hungry."

"You are?" Frodo said. "Well you're in luck! I've got just the thing!" He reached into his pocket and pulled out the One Tater. He was about to hand it over when suddenly he realized something. "Hey, wait a minute! You're trying to trick me into giving you the tater!" He shoved the tater back in his pocket.

"Oh darn it!" said Boromir. "And I thought you were stupid!"

"Stupid is as stupid does."

"Yeah, whatever. Now give me that tater!"

"Why?" Frodo asked.

"My father wants it!"

Meanwhile, in Minas Tirith, Denethor was sitting on the floor of a rubber room wearing a straight jacket. "Harharhar! I shall take that tater, and I shall use its mind control powers to enslave all of the rubber ducklings! Bwahahahahaha!"

Faramir peeked his head into the room. "Er, father? Are you feeling alright?"

"Eh? Who the heck are you?"

"I'm your son!"

"My son is on a quest!"

"I'm your _other_ son!"

"What other son?"

"Your second son!"

"I have only one son! Get out of here! YOU'RE TRYING TO OVERTHROW MY PLOT, AREN'T YOU!" With a furious roar, Denethor took off one of shoes and flung it at Faramir.

"Eek!" Faramir quickly disappeared.

Back in the woods, Frodo gave Boromir his refusal. "No way, your father's a lunatic!"

Boromir grabbed Frodo by the shirt collar and shook him. "Give me the tater!"

"No!"

Boromir pushed Frodo to the ground. "_Please_ give me that tater!"

"No!"

"But I said please!"

"NO!" Frodo then took a bite out of tater and disappeared. He gave Boromir a wedgie, put his underpants over his head, and then ran away.

Meanwhile, Aragorn, Gimli, Merry, Pippin, Sam, and Legolas were busy sitting around. Suddenly, the yells of Frodo could be heard from a distance.

Merry stood up. "Ooh! Frodo wants to play hide-and-seek!"

"No he doesn't!" Aragorn said.

Pippin got to his feet. "Of course he does! Let's go!" He grabbed his dagger and ran off into the forest. Ten seconds later, he turned around. "Merry?"

Merry had become distracted and was following a group of Sporks. These weren't ordinary Sporks, they were Super Sporks, sent by Skittleman the Many Colored.

Pippin was confused. "Merry, what are you doing?"

"I've got a better idea!" his friend replied. "Let's play tag with the Super Sporks!"

Pippin shrugged. "Okay!"

And so Merry and Pippin ran through the forest, hoping the Super Sporks would chase after them. "Hey, Super Sporks!" Merry yelled.

"What?" they roared.

"You guys are It!" Pippin explained.

"Aw man, we _hate _being It! DIE!"

A while after that, another group of Super Sporks approached Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli. "Look at how highly unattractive we are!"

Aragorn shielded his eyes. "Arrrgh! So much ugliness!"

"Got any Magical Hobs?" one of the Super Sporks asked.

"No, go fish," Aragorn replied.

"RARRRGH! We hate fish!" The Sporks became angry and attacked.

"Uh guys? A little help here?" Aragorn said.

Legolas and Gimli were busily involved in a game of chess. Legolas moved one of his chess pieces. "Okay Gimli, your turn."

"This game confuses me," the dwarf complained.

"Idiots," muttered Aragorn.

Boromir was still alone in the woods. At least, he _thought _he was alone, until an army of Super Sporks appeared. "Hey, look! It's Boromir!" Pippin yelled, pointing. "Hi Boromir!"

"What are you guys doing?" Boromir asked.

"We're playing a game of tag," Merry explained. "The Super Sporks are It."

"Um... I hate to break it to you guys, but I don't think they're playing correctly."

The army of Super Sporks started to run around shouting battle cries. An arrow flew through the air and plunged right into Boromir's chest. It was soon followed by another arrow. And another arrow. And another one. And another one. And another one. And another one.

One hundred and twenty-five arrows later:

"I am in extreme discomfort," Boromir gasped.

"This is boring," said a Super Spork. "He's taking too long to die."

"Well you guys are still It," Pippin told them. He was suddenly grabbed by a Super Spork, and so was Merry.

"Haha! We're not It anymore!" And the Super Sporks ran away, taking Merry and Pippin with them.

Five minutes later, Aragorn arrived, late as usual. "Oh my gosh! Boromir's been turned into a living example of a pincushion!"

"Help me! I'm dying over here!" Boromir whined. Aragorn soon was at his side, and Boromir began gagging. "Eew, take a bath!" Two seconds later, he was dead.

Aragorn leaned over and kissed Boromir. "Heh heh, I hope nobody saw that."

Legolas suddenly popped up from behind a tree and started laughing. "Ha! I saw you!" Gimli popped up from behind a second tree and joined in the laughter.

"Well, we have to put Boromir to rest." Aragorn picked up Boromir's body and set it inside one of the boats. "Before we send him over the waterfall, let's sing our friend Boromir a funeral song!"

Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli crowded around the boat and sang, "Happy funeral to you, happy funeral to you, happy funeral dear Boromir, happy funeral to you!" After that, they gave the boat a shove and Boromir went flying over the waterfall.

Frodo, meanwhile, was getting into his own boat and was paddling away across the river. "I'd better get out of here before-"

"Mr. FRODOOOOOOO!" came Sam's voice.

"Darn, I was afraid of that. I thought I got rid of him!" He paddled faster.

Sam ran into the river after Frodo. "Wait, I just remembered something! I can't swim!" He sunk under the water's surface and floated around like a dead fish.

Frodo paddled over to Sam. "Idiot. He should have worn his life jacket like I told him to!" He pulled Sam up out of the water with sheer Magical Hob strength.

Sam sat down and coughed up a fish. "Whoa, how did that get in my mouth?"

"Who cares!" said Frodo. "You've caught us dinner!" He gave Sam a hug. Sam pushed him away. "Mr. Frodo, what have I told you?"

Frodo sighed irritably. "I was only hugging you because I'm glad you're alive! Gosh!"

"Well, Mr. Frodo, let's hurry up and get to Mulchdor."

"Okay." Frodo sighed. "Sam, I'm glad you're with me. If it wasn't for you, I would have to carry all this luggage!"

"Hey!" said Sam. He scooped some water out of the river and splashed it at Frodo.

And so the two Magical Hobs started on their journey alone to Mulchdor.

End of Part One.

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Yes, it's over. Sad, yet true. But don't worry, there is eventually going to be a sequel! So stay tuned in the near future! 


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